Something's Got To Give!

I am not sure how frequently I’ll be blogging. Right now I have a lot to say, and occasionally I do have really great material to share with the world. I’ve been told that I should start ‘blogging’ and it would be a huge hit. Write it and people will read it is what one of my friend’s soon-to-be fiancé (get engaged already!!) keeps telling me. Apparently I can write a pretty captivating story and keep people interested until the end. Up until today, all my emails are rooted in humor. My kids have been giving me endless amounts of material and even in the messiest of situations, I can see how funny it is and share it with my close friends and family.

I have two kids; a very bright, incredibly imaginative, loud, high-energy little boy named Ian. He will be turning 4 on the 31st of May. His vocabulary and speech is off the charts and literally causes people’s mouths to drop open in awe when they hear him talk. He uses words like “conveyor belt” and “overpass” and “suspension bridge” regularly and in the right context. My other child is an incredibly sweet, happy-go-lucky little girl named Samantha. She will be turning 1 on the 23rd of May. She is my golden girl and is the complete opposite temperament of her big brother. Whereas Ian has never been one to go with the flow or sit still, Samantha is laid back and very content to sit and people watch. She decided she wanted to be born 4.5 weeks early and has been doing everything on her own timetable ever since. In her own, subtle way, she lets us know what she requires. For example, she wanted nothing to do with baby food. Rather than throw a fit and cry each time we tried to feed her the mushy, pureed stuff, she would just sit in her high chair and refuse to open her mouth. No amount of trickery worked and after a few frustrating weeks of trying we gave up. A few nights later she was sitting on my lap while I was eating dinner and grabbed a French fry out of my hand and started to eat it. It was one of those big, long, steak fries. She had no teeth at the time and couldn’t get her hands on enough of them. We took our cue from her and began to feed her real, people food. Wouldn’t you know it, this is what she wanted all along. She completely skipped the baby food stage and went straight to adult food. At 7.5 months of age, she was eating pancakes, all types of vegetables, soft fruit, bite size pieces of meat – all without teeth! It was pretty amazing. But then again, she is pretty amazing.

I have nicknames for my kids – “The loud one” and “The other one”. I am pretty certain you can figure out who is who.

Anyway, as I was saying, usually I write humorous stories to share, but for the past few days I’ve been feeling very unsettled and feel that if I can write it all down, I’ll be able to make sense of what is going on and use the writing as a cathartic way of dealing with it all. I am overwhelmed in a very big way. I think this may have all started at the beginning of January. I took the kids down to Orlando where both my parents live and spent the Winter Break (2 weeks off from Ian’s preschool – DUDE!!! What’s a SAHM to do!?!?) hanging out with the family. It was a fantastic trip and everyone was having a great time; especially the grandparents who got a lot of quality time with their grandkids. Plus, it is always a nice break for me. I get the most amazing amount of help from my mom and stepmother. Yes, I am the product of divorced parents (it didn’t happen until I was 18) and will spend half the week with my mom and stepfather and the other half of the week with my dad and stepmother. It is a bit of a pain in the neck packing and unpacking everything usually for a count of 4 to 6 times each trip, but it is more than worth it. You see, my mom only works on Fri, Sat, and Sun. Therefore, she has Mon, Tue, Wed, and Thur to play. My dad and Rita do best with us coming for the long weekend (Fri to Sun). I know once the kids get older and don’t need so much gear (pack-n-play, diapers, high chair, endless amounts of toys, etc) it will get easier. But for now this is the reality I live in.

So, it was the beginning of the new year and I decided to come up with my new year’s resolutions. This year I was going to make it easy and come up with only two; 1. Simplify my life (I take on way too much) and 2. Put me on my own to-do list. I really wanted to have a consistent work-out schedule at the gym and was having a tough time finding the time to go during the day. Between needing to run errands, being home for Sam to take a nap, and taking Ian to all his activities, getting to the gym got lower and lower on the priority list. As for simplifying my life, the best way I can describe this is trying to accomplish 4 different things on our way to somewhere fun for Ian. For example on our way to playgroup at Ethan’s house, I’ll make us stop at the post office (just need to run in and mail a package), and then a quick stop at Target (although, is it ever a quick stop at Target?), run into InkStop for some printer ink and meanwhile, I’ll check email on my cell phone and make a few calls that need to be taken care of while driving us around. Oh, and did I mention that I’ve given us only 20 extra minutes to get these errands done? So imagine taking 2 kids in and out of the car 8 times before even getting the 1.5 miles down the road to the house we are going to for playgroup. It just wasn’t fun for anyone and by the time we arrived, the kids are exhausted and I am ready to go home. But hey, I was able to cross off 4 big things on my to-do list. And getting this satisfaction was more important to me than not driving my kids crazy. No more! I recognized what I was doing and decided to stop it once and for all.

In theory, these two resolutions seemed reasonable and doable. While still in Orlando, I got a call from my husband who said he just found out that his job was ending on Jan. 15th. The entire team was getting laid off due to the client not being able to pay her bill to the company my husband worked at. Yikes!! I always told Jeff (husband) that if anything ever happened to his job, I would do whatever I could to get a job and contribute to the household. We never really saw eye to eye on me being a stay-at-home mom. Jeff was willing to let me stay home for the first 6 months with Ian and then return to a full-time career. I, however, couldn’t bring myself to let my baby be raised by strangers. We don’t have family nearby and it would’ve been so incredibly difficult for me to hand Ian over to someone I didn’t know. Between the commute to my office, rush hour traffic and the workday itself, I’d be gone from 7:15am to 7:00pm each day. I waited too long to have kids (I’m 37) and wouldn’t feel right with someone else seeing Ian grow and develop. I have the most wonderfully supportive husband and he was okay with me never going back. I am so fortunate that he was willing to do whatever it took to make it work for us financially. We’ve had to compromise and do without to make it work, but in my opinion it is more than worth it to be home with my two sweet rugrats. New cars, vacations, and dining out are the big things we’ve cut back on, but there are plenty of years ahead for that. Jeff has always had a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner and that is why I threw him a bone and said if he ever lost his job, I would go get one.

It was now time for me to make good on my promise. Upon hearing the news of him being laid off, I instantly told him I would do what I could to help. However, it was important to me that I find employment that was part-time and would occur on nights and weekends, as it wouldn’t make sense to find a weekday job and then need daycare while Jeff was doing his job search and going on interviews. My paycheck would be going to just pay for childcare and that wouldn’t help things at all.

As soon as I landed back home, I started a job search on Craigslist under ‘part-time’ employment. I really lucked out and found two fabulous sounding jobs that offered the flexibility I needed. Of course I don’t do anything in a small way and went after both jobs, got them both and decided to work them both. So much for simplifying my life, right? That lasted what, one week?

The first job is with Aidell’s Sausage. On Saturdays and Sundays I go to local grocery stores and cook up their sausage and meatballs. I hand out samples and cross my fingers they like the product enough to buy some. Each store has a goal and if I can sell above and beyond the goal, I’ll make .75 per package. This is in addition to $14 an hour. Yowzer! I work 6 hour shifts. Set-up and clean-up is incredibly time-consuming and a pain in the butt, but it is well worth the money. And given my personality, I can sell, sell, sell this stuff! Here’s the big ironic twist. I am mostly a vegetarian (I’ll do chicken if it doesn’t look like chicken) and have never eaten Aidell’s sausage. Ever! But it doesn’t stop me from selling it!! For example, I’ll have a store goal of 36 and I’ll end my shift having sold 85! Or, when I worked at Costco one time, the goal was 140 packages, and I sold 285. Yahoo!!

The 2nd job is with Pros in the City. It is an event company that does speed dating, martini cruises, seminars, dances, etc. I attend these events and help run them. Check people in, do security, take pictures, help rotate the speed daters, set-up, etc. This job pays $10 an hour.

While neither job is going to cover the mortgage or even our grocery bill for that matter, it did show Jeff that I was helping out and contributing in some way. Both jobs send out an email once a month asking when I can work or what events I would like to sign up for. I have flexibility in that if I need a Saturday or Sunday off, or even the whole weekend off, I can take it. With the event job, I can work as many or as little of the events as I want; they mostly occur on nights and weekends.

Fortunately, it turns out that Jeff was only unemployed for two weeks before finding out he was offered a job. His new opportunity was going to be a great career move. Yay!!

Just as both jobs were getting started in full force, I came down with appendicitis at the end of January and needed to have unplanned, unexpected surgery the same day it was diagnosed. Oh my! I was in the hospital for one night and instead of getting rest and taking it easy, all I could think of was the condition the house was in before I left for the 24 hour emergency clinic. My in-laws dropped everything they were doing to come to our rescue and help with the kids.

Once I was back up to full speed I resumed the part-time jobs with all I’ve got. I also decided the best way to fit in the exercise I so desperately wanted (remember, resolution #2, put myself on my own to-do list) is to get to the gym before everyone wakes up, which means getting up at 5:00am and being at the gym by 5:15am. And then coming home by 6:15am and giving Bailey at least a 30 minute walk. It used to be just the two of us for so long and I feel like I need to pay him some attention and get him exercise on a daily basis. Oy! I’ve been doing that now Mon. thru Fri. for the past 4 weeks. It feels wonderful to know I’ve gotten my work out in and can start my day off on the right foot.

This is all leading to my overwhelmed, out-of-control feeling I’ve been experiencing. I feel like I am trying to achieve too much. Between trying to juggle the two part-time jobs, spend one-on-one time with my husband, giving the kids a good life during the week, keeping a close connection with my friends (the best group of girlfriends anyone could ask for), getting to the gym at 5:15am in the mornings, walking Bailey for 30 minutes a day when I get back from the gym, keeping the house clean, and trying to find time to spend as a family, something has got to give! I am not achieving a good balance and I feel like I am headed for burnout. It is seemingly impossible to be able to have it all and still keep sane. I feel like I am coming undone and losing any sense of enjoying life in the moment. I am constantly thinking of what needs to happen next, where I need to be next and what I need to do to prepare for next. It is driving me crazy. Not to mention I keep losing things. I’ve lost my engagement ring during some kind of cleaning frenzy. I lost my brand new cell phone that was only a month old and had all the bells and whistles anyone could want. For pete’s sake, I even lost my appendix! Thank God I haven’t lost the kids yet. Every time I turn around I feel like I’ve misplaced something else. This is so not like me. The old me (pre-kids) was so on top of everything. I never lost anything, never needed to write anything down and could remember lists in my head better than elephants. Now, if I don’t write it down, it doesn’t happen. I used to be organized. I used to be in control. I used to never leave dishes in the sink for longer than 5 minutes. Now I contemplate leaving the house with a dirty bowl and spoon in the sink. I still can’t bring myself to do it and will make us late getting to our destination putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. For that matter, I used to arrive early to wherever I was going. Now I am regularly 10 minutes late. It is horrible! Who knew there would need to be so much ‘loading the car’ time needed with 2 kids?

I sometimes think that mothers who have a full-time job in a regular office environment have it easier, much easier. They leave the house early in the morning, their kids are taken care of and everyone comes together at the end of the day for dinner. They get to go to the bathroom by themselves throughout the day, eat lunch with other grown-ups and not deal with whining or temper tantrums. These women get their weekends off from work to spend with the family or even split their time and see friends. And because they are making a nice salary, they can justify having a cleaning lady clean their house. Furthermore, there is no added stress to make sure kids activities are planned and executed on a daily basis. There is no worry that you are royally screwing up the kids being the main caregiver. And it is so easy to tell someone else that we don’t let little Joey watch tv. Ha ha ha! If anyone knew how much tv Ian watched in one single day, I would probably get reported to child protective services. Fortunately I will say, the constant tv watching has done nothing to hamper his creativity or speech. And every time I say its time to go, he is the first one to put on his socks and shoes to leave. I want to expose Ian and Sam to as much as possible and will plan everything under the sun, from a day at the zoo to all kinds of museums. If the weather is nice, you won’t find us indoors, but at one of the infinite parks and playgrounds Fairfax County has to offer. Ian has a ton of friends outside of school and we make sure to see them regularly. He doesn’t lack for socialization or the opportunity to play and run around. Since he was 6 weeks old, I’ve had him out and about doing stuff. We’ve had some good days, better days and days that we should’ve just stayed in. But for the most part, it has been wonderful getting out and about with Ian and now his sister Sam. I feel like I’ve been so blessed to be able to expose them to so much our wonderful city has to offer. There is no outing too scary or daunting for us to try. If it’s a failure, we can always get back in the car and never return.

I know the easy thing would be to quit the part-time jobs and simplify my life very easily in just two quick phone calls to the people I work for. However, the jobs turned out to have a lot of benefits I didn’t count on. The main thing, it is nice to get out without the kids and have something that is just for me. I get to do my own thing and create a little life for myself outside of the SAHM thing. No one knows I have kids or even cares. Conversation isn’t dominated by what they are doing or are into. And because I lost my engagement ring at the end of 2008 and Jeff made me take off my wedding band until I am done losing weight and get it resized, no one even knows I am married. It is wild to be doing these events and not have the mom identity hanging all over me.

The other added benefit is the money. I mentioned earlier that it isn’t covering any of our bills, but it is adding up nicely. In just 3 months, I’ve earned over $2,500. Wow. Who would’ve thought?!?! I’ve instantly come up with a list of things I would love this money to be used for. Living on one salary has been extremely tough and we aren’t really able to do any of the “it would be nice to be able to do this” type of things. For instance, a house at the beach for a week over the summer. I have dreams of being able to do with this family each year. We’ve never had the extra money available. Or, be able to do the landscaping we’d like to do in the front yard. And, this October, my sister is getting married and we will have a lot of wedding related costs we will need to take care of. This money is giving us the luxury of being able to do all this without all the added stress of figuring out where the money will come from or not doing it at all.

I feel like I am coming off as being unappreciative. I realize I got to enjoy doing pretty much whatever I wanted for close to 4 years. I didn’t bring in one dollar to the household and my wonderful husband stood by my side supporting this decision. While it was not the life he wanted for us, he understood my need to be home with the kids. He says I come out of retirement in 2015 when Samantha is in school full-time (1st grade). However, this is when the kids will need a parent the most and make sure they are staying out of trouble after school. I will get a more full-time job and be productive during the week, I am just going to work hard to find a situation that offers working school hours, and flexibility if one of the kids gets sick or the odd teacher work day occurs.

And now that I’ve gotten a taste of life outside of being a SAHM, I have to admit it is pretty sweet. I’ve always had full access to all the money Jeff was bringing in, but knowing I’ve got a small stash being squirreled away for what I see best to do with it, is awfully nice. As I’ve told Jeff, his money is our money and my money is my money. But every penny I earn will go to benefit the family – either funding my girls’ spa weekend we do annually (therefore contributing to my mental well-being!) or being applied directly to the family.

Another reason I have to feel fortunate is Jeff comes home at a reasonable time during the week and jumps right in with both feet taking care of the kids. He enthusiastically walks through the door by 6:15pm each night and takes care of whatever needs his attention the most; usually Ian. And, with me being gone most of the Saturdays and Sundays in any given month, he is planning outings and juggling two kids about town. He was always a super father, but now he is just as equal as me in caring for the kids for long stretches of time. I knew I loved him as a boyfriend, fiancé and husband. But you never know what kind of father they are going to be until it is too late to do anything about it. I got seriously lucky and hit the daddy lottery. I couldn’t ask for a better man to be raising and taking care of these kids with me. He is truly my superstar and well worth the 32 year wait.

So maybe rather than feeling overwhelmed by it all, I am feeling more guilty than anything. I have a great situation and for the most part am living my dream life. But there are times when I feel like I am letting someone or a group of people down. I belong to a mommy bookclub that meets only once a month; the 2nd Monday of every month. No matter how tired I am, I can’t say no and not show-up. The women in this book club are fabulous and it is my one chance to have a very enjoyable evening discussing everything under the sun from our kids meltdowns to our endless search for the perfect pair of shoes. Oh yeah, and we do discuss the book for at least 15 minutes. I can relate to these women and they can relate to me. I leave their houses at the end of the evening feeling like I am not the worst mother in the world.

I do a Let’s Dish session once a month on a weekday evening. This is the type of place that lets you prepare 4, 8,or 12 meals (we take home 16 entrees that serve 3 each) in advance. This is the main method dinner is getting prepared at our house. It is nice to know that I can have dinner each night on the table usually within 30 minutes and with very minimal effort on my part. Plus, someone has done all the calculations on the Weight Watcher points and it makes sticking to the plan very easy. Got to love it when you can kill two birds with one stone like that!

Then there are these really fantastic group of girls I am extremely close to. I’ve known them going on 14 years and thank my lucky stars they’ve come into my life. It is so rare to have made friendships like these outside of school. But, I did. I met Kristin at my first job out of college and through her I met Heather. Through Heather I met Wendy. And through Wendy I met Jennifer. Jennifer introduced to us Dustee. And I can proudly say that I brought Ivy to the mix. She used to be my neighbor before I sold my condo to Jennifer. And did I mention that Dustee sold her condo to Wendy? Yes, we are that close and it is wonderful! We get together to celebrate each girl’s birthday and when we turned 30, the girls threw big surprises, or parties or weekends away for each of us. They are like a 2nd family and have no qualms about giving their honest opinion and laying it on the line. They were with me before I met my husband and he jokes that he knew he had to win them over to win me over too (along with the dog of course). I am constantly trying to stay in close touch with them and not let my mommyhood existence take over. This is a difficult balance and will try my best to always be available for whatever gathering is going on. One of the things that helps is touching base with all them periodically throughout the week. Each weekday morning Heather and I talk at 8:30am. Sometimes our calls will last for 5 minutes and other days before we know it, we’ve been on the phone for an hour. And, of course there are frequent calls throughout the remainder of the day to fill each other in on the latest. Heather has 3 girls close to the same ages as mine and most likely we are discussing the kids or something having to do with the kids 95% of the time. But, to me it is so cool to be able to know that Heather is dealing with the same day-to-day crap I am. And, Heather has come to my rescue more times than I can count. That goes pretty far with me. I can’t see not talking with her each morning just because my house is a zoo and I am ready to run away from the chaos. We have two volumes of noise at our house; loud and louder. Between Ian either whining because he woke up way too early and is not happy or refusing to eat breakfast and the 95 pound German Shepherd barking his head off at something he sees outside, it is enough to make you wish you were deaf. I am sure I don’t help the noise level by talking endlessly on the phone from 7:30am to 9:15am each morning (my mom, heather, wendy and ivy get top honors) or having a tv on in every room I walk in and out of. Then there is the baby who is finding her own way to contribute and make noise. It is nuts and not a calming way to start the day.

But my point is that this all helps me feel like I am losing it and one step away from a complete breakdown. Sometimes Jeff can hear it in my voice and does his best to be extra supportive. He suggests I go out and get some alone time either by myself or go to a movie with a friend, but this is the last thing I want. I don’t want to have to prepare for one more thing. I don’t want to have to think about what the kids will need while I am gone and then have to fill someone in on their schedule. Or, think about what I need to do in order to leave (take wallet and cell phone out of diaper bag, put on presentable clothes, make-up, comb hair, etc). It is exhausting and I’d rather stay at home and read my book. I don’t want to talk to anyone on the phone, I don’t want to carry a conversation with Jeff. I just want to be in a quiet room with my book. I want the kids asleep and no longer whining. Most importantly I want to turn my brain off and not think about tomorrow and all that will need to be taken care of. By the end of the day I am exhausted. And, this is if I don’t have plans in the evening to work the event job, go to bookclub, see the girls, get together with other friends, or do let’s dish. And, the most exhausting thing is it all begins again next morning at 5:00am.

Time being spent as a family has greatly suffered and I feel guilty about that. We used to spend the majority of our time together on the weekends doing everything from the mundane, like grocery shopping to fun adventures like picnics at Gravelly Point watching the planes takeoff and land. No more. Now we pretty much take care of the kids in shifts. I get them during the week and Jeff is Mr. Mom on the weekends. For the short term this is okay, but how much longer is this going to work? I will say that when I do have a Saturday or Sunday off, we definitely appreciate our time together more – unless of course I’ve asked for the day off to spend it with the girls.

I just feel like I am having a tough time pleasing everyone and meeting their expectations, mostly mine. I guess everyone would understand if I said I couldn’t make it and needed more down-time. But with who do I do that to? I so badly want to be a part of it all. It is a never-ending battle to find the delicate balance. And, I haven’t even touched on time just for myself. This is very rarely occurs. I actually look forward to being in the car driving places to meet up with people or go to my various jobs, because this is usually the only time I get to myself.
I am not sure what the answer is or how to solve my problem. But something has got to give and I need to figure it out before it starts to doing serious harm to my mental state.

Do others feel like this?