Ugh, I am seriously depressed. I've had it. I am ready to crawl under the bed and hibernate until Spring. My problem? I keep gaining weight. And gaining, and gaining. I looked up the last time I weighed in at Weight Watchers -- 8/31/09. I am officially 18 pounds higher. OMG!! I have to say that 11 pounds ago, I hit the scary number that I never wanted to see again. And now, I am more than 7 pounds PAST that. I am ready to shoot myself.
I've tried everything -- working out harder, working out less, eating more protein, eating less altogether. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my focus. I wake-up, get on the scale and the number flashing on the little screen sets my mood for the whole day. If I've had any kind of setback, the bad foods start yelling my name. The next thing you know, the chips, GF brownies, cheese, ice cream is no longer a problem. I feel like if I can just finish it, then I won't have to worry about eating it the next day. I am pretty sure this is called binge eating; only I am doing it in small, controlled patches of time. I'll eat all of something (pretty pathetic, huh?) and then stop. The Halloween candy was the icing on the cake and I can't tell you how horrible the over-indulging was. I kept mentioning to Jeff we needed to get the candy out of here. It took Jeff to actually pack it up before it happened. I didn't have the strength to do anything more than just talk about it and keep eating it.
I am not happy. Wednesday was pretty much my breaking point. I am going back to Weight Watchers as soon as we get back in town on December 1st. Until then I hope that I can regain my focus and hopefully lose a few pounds before I have to officially own up to the new number. This goes to show you how sad I am. I want to a lose a few pounds before starting WW.
Here's the thing -- I really like being on the thinner side. I really like putting on clothes where the size is a single digit. I really like that I said good-bye to Size 12 and Size 10 (and 95% of Size 8) at a New Year's Eve "burn the bad from last year" fire a few friends had two years ago. I really like running and knowing I can run faster because I am not carrying an extra 18 pounds.
So, what is going on!?!?! Why can't I get my act together? Why is this always a struggle? Have I not found the true reason I overeat? Am I doing it because I am stressed? Bored? Anxious about something? I have no idea. I really think I eat the wrong foods and too much of it because it tastes good. Can that be a reason? I believe I do such a good job justifying the food, the eating, the whole process, that before I know it, I've gone and done it again.
Each day I wake-up mentally saying, "THIS IS IT!! START THE DAY FRESH!! STAY ON TRACK. You can do it." And by the time the day ends, I feel nausea at the thought of getting on the scale again the next morning. But I do it, I get on the scale to hold myself responsible and to know just how bad the situation is getting.
I am so over this. My weight has been a life long struggle. Even when I was 18 pounds less, I still felt like I had to lose another 13.5 pounds. Oh, how I would love to be that 18 less number right now.
My clothes are starting to fit tight. I refuse to go get a larger size. Could this be the motivation I need?
Anyway, my plan is to go back to WW on December 1st, when we get back into town. I am done. D. O. N. E. And I need help.
I love writing my blog and I am hoping that by getting this topic out in the open, I will want to try harder so I can report back with the good news. It's worked with my 11 New Year's Resolution changes I've done so far. Knowing I need to report back at the end of each month, helps me stay focused and on track.
*The reason I stopped WW back in September 2009 is because I was just diagnosed with Celiac Disease and it was way too overwhelming to get a grip on doing it all. I did do a great job maintaining my weight for approx. 6 months, then 1 pound, 2 pounds started slowly creeping back on. It's really only been the last 3 months, that the number started to skyrocket.
It IS depressing to re-gain weight, esp when you recognize the self-sabotage of binge eating. That doesn't mean it's easier to control just b/c you recognize what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI think your return to WW will help. May I also suggest a thorough physical with your Dr. if you haven't had one in a while?
Also, stop weighing yourself everyday. Even WW will tell you to weight yourself only once/week! Everyday is just torturing yourself.
Stay strong, Robyn. You did it once. You will do it again. And think about some of the GOOD habits and accomplishments from the last several months: running the 10K, giving up some of your bad habits, and so on.
Your weight does not define you as a person. You're a great person with many fine qualities and smarts. Always remember that.
Thanks so much Rebecca for your response. It helps greatly. Your right about the scale and getting on it everyday...I know its bad for you, but I am soooo addicted. Next week, I'll be forced to go 10 days without being able to get on one. It will be interesting to see what happens when I land back in NoVa. Also, I'll be out of the house and not around the mindless eating that occurs.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the words of support and encouragement. Thank you for the pep talk. It was much needed.
As for the full physical, I have one on the calendar in January. Fingers crossed that something metabolism related comes up other than a gluten allergy. :)