So not fun or funny.

It's not going well.  More specifically, I am not doing well.  I am struggling with Samantha. I feel this more in the past few weeks, than ever before.  But in reality, I am not sure it has ever been "the living is easy" with her.  Each day is a challenge for me to get through.  She fights me on everything.  She has this need to be in control and everything has to go her way.  She is quick to anger and even quicker to demand what it is she wants at that very moment.  Furthermore, I am convinced she has Encopresis.  It is a disorder where you involuntary or voluntary hold in your poop.  You can read more about it here:  What is Encopresis?  This has become a huge issue at our house.  Unless you've dealt with this either personally or in an offspring, you have no idea what a nightmare it is.  I do believe that if we can get this Encopresis fixed, Sam's behavior might resemble that of a normal 3 year old.  I am actively working on getting her diagnosed.

My therapist says I need to work on my relationship with Sam.  I need to find activities to do with her that don't stress me out.  I should seek out parts of my day to spend some one-on-one time with her.  Do you have any idea how hard this is to do?  Her whining, incessant need to get her way, the endless changing of her mind on what she picked out to wear, the going-out-of-her-way to annoy her brother, and the constant little poops getting stuck in her butt cheeks 6 to 7 times a day needing to be excavated out drives me absolutely insane. 

The thing that really gets me is when she has a major temper tantrum lasting 15 minutes or more and its all you can do to not scream, abandon her, or start drinking to get through it.  Once Sam has gotten over "it", she'll become this sweet, little angel again.  However, I still haven't gotten over it and I can't switch gears like that.  I look at her during this "quiet time" when she is worn-out, exhausted, and sitting there sucking her thumb and feel like the worst mother in the world that I don't want to be in the same room as her.

In all fairness, it's not all bad.  There are moments when Sam is so sweet and loving.  When she loves to give me hugs.  When she wants to share and is good natured.  Moments when Sam makes me laugh and is silly.  These are the moments that I cling to and help me get through the more challenging times.

I am worn out.  I am exhausted.  I am planning Summer 2012 for the kids and am trying hard to fill every day for Sam.  Is that horrible?  Summer should be a time for lazy days, hours spent at the pool, sleeping in, not having anything planned, doing what sounds like fun at the last minute.  I can't do that.  I am jealous of the moms that can and actually do look forward to a summer spent like this.  It is going to be a very expensive Summer for us, but I think I need this to survive and stay sane. 

We are working on getting help. Between upcoming appointments for therapy, a Pediatric Gastroenterologist, and Developmental Pediatrician, I am hoping we can get some answers in the next month or so.  Fortunately, Sam only acts like this with me, Jeff and Ian. But because I am the one with her most, I take the brunt of it.  She holds it together at school, her activities, and at playdates.  Yesterday, I wanted to lay on the floor and just let everything run amock.  Whatever happened, so be it.  I am so close to giving up and giving in.  Letting Sam have her way 100%.  Just agree with her. Could you imagine the monster that would be created in that scenario?

I love Sam.  I love her so much.  I so badly want to hug her tightly and never let go.  Make everything better with lots of little kisses.  I wish I had answers on what was causing this deplorable behavior.  If someone could just tell me that in 6 months, or a year or whatever amount of time, it would get better, I'd be so grateful.  I hate feeling like I am on the brink of tears at any given point in my day.  This whole thing really sucks.  Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.  It is tough.  Plain and simple, very tough.