Getting help

I am having a hard time lately being happy.  Sam is continuing to be a handful and I am in the process on getting her help.  I've been working with an occupational therapist to determine if her need for control, her sensory issues or if her behavior is just typical 3 year old stuff or something more serious.  I know that if we don't do something now, it will only get worse as she gets older.

I am determined to get her help and along the way, have discovered I need help too.  It's hard for me to be around Sam.  It's certainly hard to be around her when she is having a temper tantrum or meltdown, but I am having a hard time being around her when she is in a good mood too.  I can't enjoy the moment for what it is and find myself being driven crazy.   I am constantly walking around on egg shells, hoping nothing sets her off and I think the stress of this is finally getting to me.  I am exhausted, stressed and close to tears at any point in the day, every day.  Overall, I just feel worn out.  I have fantasies of running away and figuring out where I could go that no one will find me. 

Additionally, I feel like the worse mother ever because I know I am failing Sam as a mom.  She is only 3 years old.  She deserves a mom with more patience and understanding.  She deserves someone who will take the time and really try to hold her, comfort her and soothe her when she is upset.  She does not deserve a mom who can't wait to escape to another room in the house or get her strapped in to her car seat to get beyond the situation.   The hard part is, I am so grateful that Sam is in my life.  That she is a healthy, active child.  I know so many other families that are dealing with some real major medical and behavioral problems.  The kind of stuff that they would only be too glad to take on what I am dealing with instead.  And of course, this makes me feel worse because I don't know how good I've got it.

And its not only Sam I am failing, but Ian too.  Who has the energy or attention to give to the good child when the troubled one is sucking all the life out of you?

Lately I've been thinking that staying at home with the kids was the worse decision I've ever made.  What if Sam would've been fine in daycare and not have all these issues?  Maybe being around someone else (not me) for 9 hours a day would have been the perfect solution for her and we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now.

So today I came to the conclusion; I need help.  Either therapy or medication or possibly, both.  But I am going to work on getting the help I need, so that I can be a better mom for Sam.  And for Ian.  And a happier me.