Written on Tuesday, February 18, 2014 at 8:06pm.
Today I failed Samantha. I was the worst mother ever. Although Jeff said I was not the worst mother ever because I didn't kill her. So let me revise that sentence and say I was the 2nd worst mother ever, under the ones that actually do harm and kill their children. No matter which number I rank, I feel like I was in the top 5 of bad moms. I lost my patience, I lost all sense of logic and tried to reason with someone who clearly wasn't up for being reasonable.
The day started off with a 2 hour delay because of .03 inch of snow that fell overnight. Sam woke up in a good mood and didn't give me her usual grief. She got dressed, ate breakfast and even brushed her teeth with no fuss. I must've been extra vulnerable seeing how harmonious our morning was going. It wasn't until I gave the 10 minute and then the 5 minute warning that we were leaving to catch the bus that all hell broke lose. Sam refused to stop drawing. She stood her ground and wouldn't budge. Ian and I pretended we were leaving without her. This usually does the trick. She even yelled at us to wait for her while she put on her socks and shoes (or so I thought). I told her I was only loading up the car and would come back inside. After a quick trip to the car, I observe she still hasn't left the table or stopped her coloring. I took her butterfly design paper and put it up high out of her reach. I yelled her to get her shoes on NOW! She screamed back she didn't want to take the bus. She didn't want to go to school. She wanted Pinky (her lovey) to go with her. I said fine, run and get Pinky. Only she didn't run to get Pinky. She walked very, very slowly. I yelled "RUN! IF YOU WANT PINKY, YOU NEED TO MOVE!!" I ended up taking her iPad away for two days. I was thisclose to taking it away all week.
Still with very little sense of urgency on her part, making me even more impatient, I grab her and get her socks and shoes on. She is crying. I put her coat on her. (These are all things she usually does on her own). I push her out the front door. She willingly gets in the car while crying. We arrive at the bus stop. I get out. She locks her door and refuses to get out. I unlock her door and grab her out of the car. The bus arrives as I am carrying her out of the car. She refuses to get on the bus. I PUSH her on the bus steps to get on. Yes, I actually had to push her to get on the bus.
Later in the afternoon, upon pick-up from school we have to go directly to drop off Ian at religious school. We get back home after drop-off and its just us until Jeff & Ian get home at 6:40pm.
For over and hour and 40 minutes Sam and I are at odds with each other. For the most part she is hiding under the table and whining. She is not happy. I am not either. Its not a good scene.
This is not the kind of mother I want to be. I feel like she got the better of me. She has beaten me down. I didn't enjoy interacting with her at all today. I hate thinking that. I hate writing that.
Thank G-d I am not a single mother. I appreciate Jeff more than ever on these kind of days when he can come rescue me and have a fresh perspective. I go to sleep at night wishing to wake up tomorrow to start all over again with a clean slate. I hate days like this. She is one tough cookie.
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