Devasted.

I am pretty sure this is the most hurt I've ever been by something Sam said to me.  "The past 6 years has been very hard for me.  The reason is you.  I've had a hard life because of you.  Every day for 6 years because of you."

Ugh.  I was instantly devastated and left in a sobbing mess processing what she said to me.  Seriously?  She thinks she has a hard life?   I can't possibly tell her enough how much I love her.  Her 3 square meals each day get made by me.  The reason she has a lunch to eat at school is because I make it and put it in her backpack.  The reason she has clean clothes to put on everyday (and multiple outfit changes daily) is because of me.  The reason she has a bed to sleep in with clean sheets is because of me.   The reason she has books to read and gets new ones whenever she wants is because of me. I could go on and on and on.  Sam is not abused, Jeff and I have never laid a hand on her. I drive her to school when its too cold, icy or windy.  She is more than well cared for and I've bent over backwards trying to diagnose her encompresis and make sure medically she is healthy.  I've lost count how many specialists we've been to over the past 3 years.  I hate seeing her struggle with social anxiety and have done my best to find a social skills group and therapist to help her. If there is anything at all she needs (or wants), BAM! it's a done deal.   And let's not forget that I stopped working full-time so I could be there for my kids before school, after school, all school holidays and summers.  I do my best to plan fun outings, vacations, and give them experiences they will cherish.   Kids everywhere should have it this hard.  

If Sam thinks she will have a better life elsewhere with another family, I encourage her to find it.  I am done.  I am no longer going to be nice.  She will now be walking to school to and from each morning and after school.  Walking is my preferred method of transportation and who cares if this is not what Sam wants.  I don't care if there is a blizzard going on outside.  We are walking.  The next time she asks for paints, she can forget it happening that day.  Sam can wait until her birthday.  Put it on a list and hope that someone gets it for her.  And forget about the next time she asks for something special to be made for lunch.  No way.  I will make lunches that are easiest for me to make.  Maybe I will even make it the night before and hope the bread doesn't get soggy overnight.  The next time Sam needs something for school, it will not happen magically.  Sam can show up at school and see what its like to have a parent who doesn't care.

Her words to me could not hurt more.  I think "I hate you" would sting less.  The last thing I want is for her to look back on her childhood and see a "hard life". I've gone out of my way to make it a cushy existence for Sam.  She apparently doesn't appreciate it, so why not show her how it can be hard?

After I got Sam to school and had a moment to reflect on everything in the peace and quiet of my home, I decided to do the thing Sam would expect the least of me -- especially the same day those hateful words came out of her mouth.  I went to her school and surprised her for lunch.  She probably had reasoned I would keep my distance and not want to be around her.  However, I wanted Sam to see she couldn't push me away.  I will always be there.  It's a great thought, right?  Yet, when I showed up in her school cafeteria, her first words out of her mouth were, "I don't like to be surprised.  You should tell me you are coming first."  It took her more than a few minutes to warm up to the idea that I was there.

I am heartbroken.  This is not the relationship I envisioned with my daughter.  If this is what she is capable of at age 6, what will the teenage years be like?   I had taken a break from therapy, but will be returning. Obviously I need help.  Lots and lots of help.  I so badly want to love my daughter and accept her for who she is.  Why does it have to be so difficult?