Believe

Hello my old friend,

Yes, I am back once again.  Surely, you remember me.  I always look the same when I come to you again and again, so many  times over the years.

Then, just when I am feeling amazing, incredibly proud of myself, so close to the goal, I desert you.  It's sad, really, when I am on top of the world, and feel like I've got this, I say good-bye and don't look back.  I mistakenly believe I can do this on my own and don't need you anymore.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

It took me no time at all to gain back the 44 pounds I lost.  The downward spiral of weight gain swirled faster and faster.  Once the marathon was behind me and the crazy mileage I was logging training each week ended, the pounds caught up fast.  Faster than I hoped.  I am pretty sure I instantly jumped 4 clothing sizes in a blink of an eye.  Oy.

Last week, I had it.  I became so disgusted with myself and realized how very much I still need you by my side.  So here I am, ready to give it a go.  Get back in the saddle and back in control.  I have a long list of reasons why it is important that I do this.  I've had time to reflect and figure out why I can't fail again.  The top of my list is the kids.  I want to be healthy for them.  I want to have energy and be able to keep up.  I want to set a great example of what healthy eating looks like.  A close second is how I feel.  I want to be excited to wake-up each day and put on size 6 clothing knowing there is wiggle room and I am not busting out of them, cringing at myself in the mirror.  I like feeling the power over what I am eating and not the other way around.  I sleep better at night feeling good about my day and knowing I didn't go crazy with junk food.  And lastly, there's Jeff, my biggest source of support.  He jokes that he will always love me as long as I can fit through a door.  However, I don't want to test this theory and take pride in myself that I am weighing less now than I did when we got married. 

I have goals in mind.  It's funny, each time I start-up again, I quickly start doing the math.  Well if I lose 5 pounds a month (this is a realistic number to work with), how many months until I am back to my lowest weight?  What will be going on at that time of the year?  Is there some event I can work towards?  I am trying hard to not fall back into the same old traps.  I want my weight loss to stick this time!  Darn it, I will be successful.  So far, I've done a few things so unlike me.  The old me would be aghast at how different  I am proceeding down this familiar journey.  I am not weighing myself at home.  Really.  I figure that if I stay away from the scale, I will only concentrate on tracking what I eat and keeping count of the points.  I won't start playing the mind games, well the scale is already showing a 1 pound loss for the week, so I can slip a bit today.  Or, the scale is not showing any kind of loss yet, so I will make sure to go crazy with exercise.  The other healthier thing I am doing is not getting caught up in the semantics of weighing-in.  I haven't yet figured out the best day for me to go weigh-in each week.  I just know I need to make it in there at least once.  Whether I am a day or two short or a few days extra between my weeks, I am sticking to the plan and doing it.  And I am not getting all freaky about wearing the same exact outfit each week for weigh-in.  This time around does sound mentally healthier and a better balance, right?

So my friend, I know you believe in me because every time I turn around there is Jennifer Hudson singing that song on the commercial.  Now I need to believe in me.  I know I need to do this.  I am glad I started.  I don't want another 6 months to go by and not have done something.  Something good. 

Love,
Making-the-most-of-who-I-know-I-can-be-Robyn