Singing

We were in the car the other night and Ian was in the middle of telling me something.  Sam is listening to the radio and hears a song start playing.  “Turn it up!  Turn it up!” she says.  I turn it up and Sam starts singing along to every word.  I had never heard this song before and use my iPhone to find out what it is.  It is Kelly Clarkson’s new song called “Heartbeat”.  The song only got released on January 12^th!  It wasn’t even 7 days later and Sam already knew all the words.  I was blown away.   I hadn’t ever heard it before and Sam is singing it like it had been out forever.  Wow.

My daughter never ceases to amaze me. I am continually in awe of her.  You just never know what she will come up with next.   Good and bad, she keeps you guessing. 

The Hoodie

Ian has never once cared what clothes I buy him or how he dresses.  He is so not like Sam this way.  When we purchased our treadmill we received $140 in Dick’s Sporting Goods reward cash.  It’s very similar to how Kohl’s cash works.  There is no minimum needed to buy; you can get $140 in merchandise and walk out having not spent another cent.   A few weeks ago I went to Dick’s and got to the register with all my wonderful stuff.  I love shopping not using money.  I calculated almost exactly the amount I needed to spend with the exception of $5.  I was not going to let $5 go unused and grabbed a t-shirt on clearance for Ian.  When I got home and showed Ian, he instantly said he would not wear the shirt I picked out.  Similarly, the shorts I picked out for Jeff were so big that a whole basketball team could fit in there and still have room to play the game.  Both items needed to go back.  Ian said he would like to have hoodie instead.  Ian has never asked for a particular item of clothing before! 

I took Ian with me and we exchanged the t-shirt and the gigantic shorts for a Nike hoodie.  Ian picked it out all on his own.  He had a very specific color and style he wanted.  Maybe he has been hanging around Sam too much. :)

Since this hoodie has come into Ian’s life, he wears it every day.  Yes, Every. Single. Day.  Ian will have on beautiful sweaters and shirts and layer it with the hoodie.  The hoodie that stays on all day long.  No one even realizes he has a variety of other clothing going on underneath.  For all they know, Ian does not own any other clothes and only has this hoodie to his name.  I am allowed to have the hoodie for one day a week to wash it. 

Since Ian has been wearing this hoodie we’ve noticed that boys everywhere are also wearing the same exact hoodie.  It’s like he has twins all over the place.   We saw 3 boys, all about Ian’s age, during our weekend in Orlando.   I wonder if they wear theirs every day too. 

Each morning Jeff and I see Ian wearing THE hoodie, we each comment how we have to get him more to wear.  And yet another week will go by and we haven't expanded his hoodie wardrobe.  Ian doesn't seem to care.  He really LOVES this hoodie.    

Devasted.

I am pretty sure this is the most hurt I've ever been by something Sam said to me.  "The past 6 years has been very hard for me.  The reason is you.  I've had a hard life because of you.  Every day for 6 years because of you."

Ugh.  I was instantly devastated and left in a sobbing mess processing what she said to me.  Seriously?  She thinks she has a hard life?   I can't possibly tell her enough how much I love her.  Her 3 square meals each day get made by me.  The reason she has a lunch to eat at school is because I make it and put it in her backpack.  The reason she has clean clothes to put on everyday (and multiple outfit changes daily) is because of me.  The reason she has a bed to sleep in with clean sheets is because of me.   The reason she has books to read and gets new ones whenever she wants is because of me. I could go on and on and on.  Sam is not abused, Jeff and I have never laid a hand on her. I drive her to school when its too cold, icy or windy.  She is more than well cared for and I've bent over backwards trying to diagnose her encompresis and make sure medically she is healthy.  I've lost count how many specialists we've been to over the past 3 years.  I hate seeing her struggle with social anxiety and have done my best to find a social skills group and therapist to help her. If there is anything at all she needs (or wants), BAM! it's a done deal.   And let's not forget that I stopped working full-time so I could be there for my kids before school, after school, all school holidays and summers.  I do my best to plan fun outings, vacations, and give them experiences they will cherish.   Kids everywhere should have it this hard.  

If Sam thinks she will have a better life elsewhere with another family, I encourage her to find it.  I am done.  I am no longer going to be nice.  She will now be walking to school to and from each morning and after school.  Walking is my preferred method of transportation and who cares if this is not what Sam wants.  I don't care if there is a blizzard going on outside.  We are walking.  The next time she asks for paints, she can forget it happening that day.  Sam can wait until her birthday.  Put it on a list and hope that someone gets it for her.  And forget about the next time she asks for something special to be made for lunch.  No way.  I will make lunches that are easiest for me to make.  Maybe I will even make it the night before and hope the bread doesn't get soggy overnight.  The next time Sam needs something for school, it will not happen magically.  Sam can show up at school and see what its like to have a parent who doesn't care.

Her words to me could not hurt more.  I think "I hate you" would sting less.  The last thing I want is for her to look back on her childhood and see a "hard life". I've gone out of my way to make it a cushy existence for Sam.  She apparently doesn't appreciate it, so why not show her how it can be hard?

After I got Sam to school and had a moment to reflect on everything in the peace and quiet of my home, I decided to do the thing Sam would expect the least of me -- especially the same day those hateful words came out of her mouth.  I went to her school and surprised her for lunch.  She probably had reasoned I would keep my distance and not want to be around her.  However, I wanted Sam to see she couldn't push me away.  I will always be there.  It's a great thought, right?  Yet, when I showed up in her school cafeteria, her first words out of her mouth were, "I don't like to be surprised.  You should tell me you are coming first."  It took her more than a few minutes to warm up to the idea that I was there.

I am heartbroken.  This is not the relationship I envisioned with my daughter.  If this is what she is capable of at age 6, what will the teenage years be like?   I had taken a break from therapy, but will be returning. Obviously I need help.  Lots and lots of help.  I so badly want to love my daughter and accept her for who she is.  Why does it have to be so difficult?

The very small toilet

About a month ago, I was cleaning the downstairs bathroom and noticed there was a small puddle on the floor by the toilet.  Knowing how skilled Jeff and I were in plumbing, I called for a plumber to come have a look. By the time he arrived, Jeff was home from work and participated in overseeing this service call.  It turned out that Valve Fill needed to be replaced.  Even with the discount offered by having a plumbing maintenance contract, the cost of the repair would be $230.  Yikes!!  The plumber was super nice and said the repair is very easy to do and would talk Jeff through the steps necessary for him to do it himself.   At this point, I had to leave the house, but I knew the remaining time the plumber was in our house was limited and Jeff was in a good hands.

I got home about 2 hours later and come to find out that inadvertently while Jeff was moving part of the towel that was absorbing the leak, the lid of the toilet was resting on another part of the towel and it slipped.  Yes, you know where this is going.  The lid shattered in a few pieces.   The plumber said the replacement part for this can not be bought in a Home Depot or a Lowes.  The part would need to be ordered through a plumbing supply store.  Lovely! 

At this point, I am calculating all the cost and time involved in fixing an already older toilet and tell Jeff it would just be better to replace the toilet with a new one.   He agrees and we get our neighbor on the phone to find out what he would charge to install a new toilet for us.  We are given a very good deal and proceed ahead with getting a new toilet.  We will purchase it and our neighbor will put it in for us. 

Sounds great, right?  I do my research and read reviews on various toilets.  I know that we can get a good one with high ratings for $200.  We go to Home Depot as a family and pick it out.  Kohler, here we come!  The sales guy agrees with the model we were looking at and says it is one of his best sellers.  The models on display are on the highest shelf.  There is no way to get up close and test it out.  Not test it out like you are thinking, but more like see it on ground level and make sure it looks like the right proportion.   Because, guess what?  It wasn’t until the toilet was out of the box and installed that I finally got to take a look at it up close.  It looks like a toilet for little people.  Seriously, the toilet we ended up with needs a magnifying glass.  I don’t get it!   The claims on the review said it will never clog!  It has a more powerful flush!  It is water efficient!  It gives a cleaner bowl!   Why oh why did no one say it won’t fit the average size human???

I stayed out of our neighbor’s way while he was doing the work.  It was only after he left that I noticed how small it looked.  I told Jeff it just didn’t look right.   Jeff said it works fine and that Sam had already christened it.  Well of course it worked fine for her, it was just her size!

Finally Jeff measured it and said I was right.  The new toilet was an inch to 1.5 inches smaller in size in each direction than our old one.  Who knew an inch would make that much of a difference?

I am bummed!  It takes a lot for us to do work on the house and when we do fix something, replace it, I want to do it right.  Now I can’t stop walking by the bathroom and giving our new toilet the stink eye.  It looks silly in the guest bathroom.  There is actually so much room between the back wall and the tank that I could stick a big, tall plant.  Maybe I will disguise the toilet all together and give it a plant to hide in.   And let me tell you, the size of the tank is about as wide as my ceramic Kleenex box.  Yes, that’s small.

Here is the crazy part to the story.  When we were at Home Depot getting the new toilet, Jeff saw the part we originally needed to replace.  It cost a whopping $10.  And Jeff was pretty certain he’d be able to pull off the repair himself.  I guess we will never find out.

We will survive having a very small toilet. But let me tell you, the minute that I can get this one replaced (in what, 10 to 20 years?), I am most definitely taking any potential new ones for a test drive in the store first.  

Out with the old, in with the small.