The terrible, no-good, very bad day

Written on Tuesday, February 18, 2014 at 8:06pm. 

Today I failed Samantha.  I was the worst mother ever.  Although Jeff said I was not the worst mother ever because I didn't kill her.  So let me revise that sentence and say I was the 2nd worst mother ever, under the ones that actually do harm and kill their children.  No matter which number I rank, I feel like I was in the top 5 of bad moms.  I lost my patience, I lost all sense of logic and tried to reason with someone who clearly wasn't up for being reasonable.

The day started off with a 2 hour delay because of .03 inch of snow that fell overnight.  Sam woke up in a good mood and didn't give me her usual grief.  She got dressed, ate breakfast and even brushed her teeth with no fuss. I must've been extra vulnerable seeing how harmonious our morning was going.  It wasn't until I gave the 10 minute and then the 5 minute warning that we were leaving to catch the bus that all hell broke lose.  Sam refused to stop drawing.  She stood her ground and wouldn't budge.  Ian and I pretended we were leaving without her.  This usually does the trick.  She even yelled at us to wait for her while she put on her socks and shoes (or so I thought).  I told her I was only loading up the car and would come back inside.  After a quick trip to the car, I observe she still hasn't left the table or stopped her coloring.  I took her butterfly design paper and put it up high out of her reach.  I yelled her to get her shoes on NOW!  She screamed back she didn't want to take the bus.  She didn't want to go to school.  She wanted Pinky (her lovey) to go with her. I said fine, run and get Pinky.  Only she didn't run to get Pinky.  She walked very, very slowly.  I yelled "RUN!  IF YOU WANT PINKY, YOU NEED TO MOVE!!"  I ended up taking her iPad away for two days.  I was thisclose to taking it away all week.

Still with very little sense of urgency on her part, making me even more impatient, I grab her and get her socks and shoes on.  She is crying.  I put her coat on her. (These are all things she usually does on her own).  I push her out the front door.  She willingly gets in the car while crying.  We arrive at the bus stop.  I get out.  She locks her door and refuses to get out.  I unlock her door and grab her out of the car.  The bus arrives as I am carrying her out of the car.  She refuses to get on the bus. I PUSH her on the bus steps to get on.  Yes, I actually had to push her to get on the bus.

Later in the afternoon, upon pick-up from school we have to go directly to drop off Ian at religious school.  We get back home after drop-off and its just us until Jeff & Ian get home at 6:40pm. 

For over and hour and 40 minutes Sam and I are at odds with each other.  For the most part she is hiding under the table and whining.  She is not happy.  I am not either.  Its not a good scene. 

This is not the kind of mother I want to be.  I feel like she got the better of me.  She has beaten me down.  I didn't enjoy interacting with her at all today.  I hate thinking that.  I hate writing that.

Thank G-d I am not a single mother.  I appreciate Jeff more than ever on these kind of days when he can come rescue me and have a fresh perspective.  I go to sleep at night wishing to wake up tomorrow to start all over again with a clean slate.  I hate days like this.  She is one tough cookie.

Yep.

Dropping Ian off at religious school yesterday afternoon, Sam is throwing a fit as we walk into the synagogue.  We escort Ian to his classroom and I give Ian a kiss good-bye.  As I am walking out of the room, I hear the following conversation:

Ian's friend:  What's wrong with your sister?

Ian:  Ah, that's just the way she is.


I had to laugh.

Please G-d, let Sam be the one to grow up and find the cure for Cancer.   Then all this will be so worth it.  :)

"Letting go" is NOT in my vocabulary

I've come to the realization that I can't let go.  I have certain expectations of how I like things to be, and when it doesn't go my way, I am pouting on the inside like a 2 year old.  I am not sure how to move beyond this, but it is wreaking havoc on my ability to be happy, the ability to be content with the way life can get all screwy, and generally the ability to go with the flow.

I find it best to not have any preconceived notions about anything. I try not to have a visual in my head of an experience that we are about to embark on, so I don't get disappointed.  This can be as simple as running into the grocery store to pick up a needed item for dinner to something big like seeing a live performance.  The problem is, I am a very optimistic person.  I look for the best in every situation and have high hopes that we will all have a grand time and the day will flow smoothly.   You can imagine that when reality slaps me in the face, I am probably disappointed and kicking & screaming on the inside more than the average person.

Ian has the kind of personality that he wants to please his father and me.  If he sees either of us getting the least bit critical or disappointed with his actions, Ian will quickly get in line and do his best to conform.  I know this isn't completely normal or healthy for him to be like, but G-d love him that he makes my life so much easier.

Sam, however, could care less about pleasing Jeff and me.  She has it set in her head how an event or situation will go down, and there is no changing that.  If she doesn't want to get in the car to head home after preschool, then she won't.  Plain and simple, she does what she wants to do.  No amount of reasoning or demanding a certain compliance from her is going to change her intent.  While I do my best to "manage" the moment and get on with our day as quickly as possible, it is usually near impossible.  By the time we (Sam and I) are back on the move, I am ridiculously mentally exhausted and feel like laying down on the ground in the fetal position or hiding under a rock.  Not possible for this mom who is needed and required to show up at about 10 different spots throughout the day.

I recently finished reading a book (fiction) about these two women; one was a writer and the other was a mom to a severely autistic child, who unfortunately died from a seizure.  The woman who was a writer was channeling the voice of the child who passed away.  She was writing the book in his voice -- considering he was non-verbal his whole life, finding out what he was thinking was a huge blessing for the mom.   The book was a bit slow-going and not something that I even recommend friends read, but was interesting to me.

Somehow, reading from the viewpoint of the autistic boy gave me greater understanding to Samantha.  Please don't get me wrong, in no way do I think Sam suffers from autism or anywhere on the spectrum. But, much of the rigidity in her actions and the ability to be flexible when she has it in her head to be anything but, rang all too true when getting a glimpse inside this boy's head in the book.

Fortunately, at some point Sam does stop the tantrum/meltdown; not as soon as I'd like, but eventually she does give up.  And, fortunately, Sam's outbursts are getting a little farther spaced apart.  And, an even bigger fortunately, she only acts like this for me and Jeff.  But, when the temper tantrums do come, its a doozy.

So, here I am at a crossroads.  I realize Sam is going to be like Sam.  There is no changing it any time soon and I just need to accept this is the way she is.   But, now I realize I have a very hard time letting go.  I need to be more flexible and not hold so strongly to my sky-is-blue-all-is-right-with-the-world vision I have most times.  In the end, I only get depressed and disappointed when it doesn't turn out. 

Case in point:  We were in Philadelphia two weekends ago.  We were able to complete the rest of the checklist of items I wanted the kids to see (Betsy Ross' House, Liberty Bell, and National Constitution Center).   At our last stop, I thought it would be nice to get a group picture of the whole family together.  Sam was stuck drawing on some little piece of paper she was carrying around and refused to look up to get the photo taken.  It really got to me.  I only needed her to look up for 5 seconds!  No amount of pleading was getting her to comply.  Meanwhile the rest of the family is getting very antsy and is losing patience.  Not to mention the nice worker taking the photo was more than ready to go back to his post.  I couldn't let this moment go!  I really wanted her to look up for the photo.  She refused.  It bothered me (and still does) so much more than it should have.  I know this.  Why can't I let it go!?!?!?

I am positively convinced we all would be looking up and smiling for the camera if Sam wasn't fixated on her drawing and I wasn't in the process of making a big deal out of it.

Here is our 2nd shot with me still trying to convince Sam to look up.

This is just one of many examples. I am already feeling very overwhelmed by the day to day, and this self-imposed added absurdity needs to stop.  We are not perfect.  We will never be. So what if she isn't looking at the camera, right?  This is who we are.  Why can't I go be okay with that!?!?!

This is my rant for the day.  More like beating myself up then having anything to do with Sam.  The incidence with Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT was a major wake-up call for me.  I am trying very hard to let the trivial things roll off my back, not need everything to be perfect and enjoy the moment more.  I know there are 26 families right now that would be absolutely fine with less than perfect. 

A new development

So, I finally read a parenting book that really spoke to me.  "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.  This book is written in a way that makes the most difficult situations seem easy to defuse and avoid the big, inevitable confrontations that can abound.  It comes up with a plan (simple, really) that helps you and the child collaboratively (this is key!!) work together on solutions for any issues that arise.  The big thing is to identify in advance (again, another key action!) what the lagging skills are (hard to transition, doesn't like change, hates certain foods/textures, etc) and the unsolved problems (refuses to cooperate getting dressed in the morning, hates to wear the proper shoes needed for that day's activity, lots of screaming when coming to get picked-up, etc).  Together, you talk thru each situation and really listen to the child as to what is going on causing the issues.  Together (again, it's all about being collabrative!), you work through to a solution on how to address this specific thing the next time this situation is presented.  The goal is to get it solved ahead of time, before it comes up again.  It's brilliant, really. 

The other thing I've taken from this book is to drop all expectations.  Does it really matter?  It's not giving in, but finding a way to compromise.  Sam is incredibly head-strong and has many ideas of her own.  There is no imposing my preconceived notions of how something should be.  Case in point -- if we are going to the park for the day and she wants to wear her flip-flops or crocs.  I know for a fact, this is not practical and Sam will be very upset when sand, mulch and twigs gets in her shoes.  So in the past, I've had many, many battles telling her she can't wear these shoes to the park.  Instead, I want her to wear the shoes that will protect her feet, allow her to run and climb without slipping or falling and generally better suited for playing.  In the end, I've won the battle, but not without much yelling and forcing my point.  Now, my new plan is to let her wear the impractical shoes and bring the more suitable shoes with me.  I'll let her fall (once!) or get mulch all stuck in her foot (therefore, complain) and be ready with the shoes I think she should be wearing.  This is an easy way for us to both win and we've gotten out the door realatively trauma-free.

I was never a big fan of Sam's therapist.  This is the woman we've been seeing since the end of February.   I felt like Sam completely ran every session and the clinician had very little control on how they spent their time together.  Now whether this was part of the master plan on the therapist's part or she was truly in over-her-head with the likes of Sam, I'll never know.  It had been 4 full months and the therapist had yet to address the potty training issues (withholding poop) we are dealing with.  After speaking with a few close friends who have degrees in therapy, I was encouraged to drop this therapist and find someone better suited for Sam.   Why did it take me this long to come to this conclusion?  Because everyone has said, the road to Sam pooping and peeing like the regular population will be a long, long road.  Like upwards of 18 months long.  I needed to be paitient.  I am not a naturally paitient person, and was doing my best to let the process happen.  I knew results wouldn't be seen overnight and had to give it time.  But Sam never really took to the therapist and I was trying to let a bond happen that wasn't coming easily.

After my return from Florida, I met with Sam's therapist on a one-on-one session to check in and see where we were.  She was ready to address the toilet training problem and tell me her ideas.  Finally!  I figured after all this time, I had to hear what she had to say.  If our chat didn't result in making me feel better about Sam's sessions with this woman, I was prepared to call her up and tell her we are going to try someone else. 

SO here's the real kicker -- Sam's therapist dropped us before I could drop her.  Wow.  Just wow.  She said that this other clinician in the practice has an opening and Sam and I would be better suited with her.  She is certified in this "Parent-Child Interaction Therapy" and it would be beneficial for Jeff and me to go through this 14 session training intervention.  I was given a brochure on what this training is all about and how it will help.  It apparently is designed for the "disruptive" (a term used many, many times) child and how to avoid confrontations.  Oh and by the way, she can also address the toilet training issue.  (This was said very after the fact.  The main concern being the interaction therapy.)

OMG!  Can I tell you how pissed I am!!?!?!?!?!?  Seriously?  How Jeff and I interact with Sam is such a concern that she is recommending this program??!?!?!   And when you read the brochure the first thing it says is:  "Who is PCIT for?"  "Children who have experienced stress or trauma".    What the hell trauma or stress has Sam had to deal with?  You'd think Sam was abused or neglected or being raised by a crack-whore, or her father was no longer in the picture.  None of this is further from the truth! 

And as for my parenting skills (you know interacting with my child), this is not my first time at the rodeo.  I do have a 7 year old son who is very well adjusted and not showing any signs of "stress" or "trauma". 

In my "EXPERT" opinion, Sam has control issues.  Plain and simple.  She likes (no, LOVES) to be in control.  It has to be her idea and if its not, then G-d help us.  Her withholding poop is another sign of her exerting control.  But somewhere along the way, it has become all about the way I am a mother to her.   

Personally, I think we need to leave this practice of clinicians altogether and find someone with more of a psychriatric background that can really help Sam.  Someone who can recommend testing if needed. I know Sam is very young to be diagnosed with any kind of disorder, but it would be helpful if someone (who knew what they were doing) could tell us that Sam's control issues could be a sign of this or that.  Someone who thinks dealing with the encompresis (poop withholding) is a top-priority and not an after-thought.

I spoke with Jeff and he thinks we should just give Sam the rest of the summer off from therapy.  Let her have a break.  I am inclined to agree with him. 

Before we got dropped (uh, I mean referred to someone else), Sam's therapist did tell me her thoughts on what we should do with the toilet training.  We are currently trying it now.  Wish us the best that this is the beginning of the end of this nightmare.  And oh yeah, that it is Sam's idea to want to do this too.

Reason to smile

The other day, I had picked Sam up from school and we were headed home.  During the drive, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Sam smiling.  She was happy, just sitting there in her seat, listening to the radio, with a smile on her face.  It was a beautiful thing and took my breath away.  Not to be so dramatic over this simple gesture, but I can't remember this ever happening. 

For so long I've been walking around on egg shells and doing my best to not piss her off.  It seemed like Sam was in a continually bad mood and every little thing set her off...some times it would be over absolutely nothing.  She was quick to anger, get intensely angry and lose all sense of reason.  Her temper tantrums and meltdowns would go on for a crazy amount of time and there was very little you could do to get her to calm down. This was multiple times a day, every day.  Fortunately, it was just with Jeff and me, but that meant this negative energy would have time to build up and explode when she was with us.

You don't realize what hell you've been accustomed to living in until you see the sun shining brightly and can breathe normal again.  I've found that when stressed, I'll unconsciously hold my breath in.  This has been going on for so long (we are approaching one year), that is was difficult to see the trees through the forrest.  I knew there was a big problem with Sam and it took everything I had to get these appointments made with all these doctors and wait our turn to be seen.  If anyone is thinking of changing careers, become a pediatric speciality in anything and you will have a line out your door a mile long waiting to get in.

For the past several weeks, Sam has been spending a large amount of time at various doctors and therapy trying to get to the bottom of it all.  It turns out that not pooping (she recently made it a full 18 day stretch without fully going) can really wreak havoc with your temperament.  We are not sure why Sam has this psychological need to hold in her poop (that's for the therapist to figure out and work on), but the pediatric GI doctor has us on a regimen to get her cleaned-out and going regularly.  In fact, we are intentionally inducing diarrhea (think oatmeal consistency) to happen every day for the next several months.  The goal is to get her so far removed from having to push out a bowel movement that she forgets about holding it in.  Of course Sam is back to wearing pull-ups and will be for quite some time, but this is for the best.  I am sure Target is missing the weekly sale of 20 pairs of girls underwear each week that I was purchasing, because of all the overflow soiling previously going on.

We are not out of the woods yet.  We are in the middle of a series of appointments with a pediatric developmental pediatrician who will look at both the medical and behavioral issues and give us the full picture.  I have to admit it is a big relief to be moving in the right direction.  It will be up to a year (according to the GI doctor) before the pooping can get to normal, but I am so excited to be seeing a little progress. Seriously, it is a night and day difference with her temperament and disposition.

I am enjoying being around Sam.  She is delightful.  We are having fun together.  The diarrhea daily (some times up to 3 times a day) I will gladly embrace and clean-up if it means I am around someone who is human.  And not around someone who is constantly cranky, irritable, quick to anger, and fly off the handle. I guess you would be too if you only went poop every 12 to 18 days.

So not fun or funny.

It's not going well.  More specifically, I am not doing well.  I am struggling with Samantha. I feel this more in the past few weeks, than ever before.  But in reality, I am not sure it has ever been "the living is easy" with her.  Each day is a challenge for me to get through.  She fights me on everything.  She has this need to be in control and everything has to go her way.  She is quick to anger and even quicker to demand what it is she wants at that very moment.  Furthermore, I am convinced she has Encopresis.  It is a disorder where you involuntary or voluntary hold in your poop.  You can read more about it here:  What is Encopresis?  This has become a huge issue at our house.  Unless you've dealt with this either personally or in an offspring, you have no idea what a nightmare it is.  I do believe that if we can get this Encopresis fixed, Sam's behavior might resemble that of a normal 3 year old.  I am actively working on getting her diagnosed.

My therapist says I need to work on my relationship with Sam.  I need to find activities to do with her that don't stress me out.  I should seek out parts of my day to spend some one-on-one time with her.  Do you have any idea how hard this is to do?  Her whining, incessant need to get her way, the endless changing of her mind on what she picked out to wear, the going-out-of-her-way to annoy her brother, and the constant little poops getting stuck in her butt cheeks 6 to 7 times a day needing to be excavated out drives me absolutely insane. 

The thing that really gets me is when she has a major temper tantrum lasting 15 minutes or more and its all you can do to not scream, abandon her, or start drinking to get through it.  Once Sam has gotten over "it", she'll become this sweet, little angel again.  However, I still haven't gotten over it and I can't switch gears like that.  I look at her during this "quiet time" when she is worn-out, exhausted, and sitting there sucking her thumb and feel like the worst mother in the world that I don't want to be in the same room as her.

In all fairness, it's not all bad.  There are moments when Sam is so sweet and loving.  When she loves to give me hugs.  When she wants to share and is good natured.  Moments when Sam makes me laugh and is silly.  These are the moments that I cling to and help me get through the more challenging times.

I am worn out.  I am exhausted.  I am planning Summer 2012 for the kids and am trying hard to fill every day for Sam.  Is that horrible?  Summer should be a time for lazy days, hours spent at the pool, sleeping in, not having anything planned, doing what sounds like fun at the last minute.  I can't do that.  I am jealous of the moms that can and actually do look forward to a summer spent like this.  It is going to be a very expensive Summer for us, but I think I need this to survive and stay sane. 

We are working on getting help. Between upcoming appointments for therapy, a Pediatric Gastroenterologist, and Developmental Pediatrician, I am hoping we can get some answers in the next month or so.  Fortunately, Sam only acts like this with me, Jeff and Ian. But because I am the one with her most, I take the brunt of it.  She holds it together at school, her activities, and at playdates.  Yesterday, I wanted to lay on the floor and just let everything run amock.  Whatever happened, so be it.  I am so close to giving up and giving in.  Letting Sam have her way 100%.  Just agree with her. Could you imagine the monster that would be created in that scenario?

I love Sam.  I love her so much.  I so badly want to hug her tightly and never let go.  Make everything better with lots of little kisses.  I wish I had answers on what was causing this deplorable behavior.  If someone could just tell me that in 6 months, or a year or whatever amount of time, it would get better, I'd be so grateful.  I hate feeling like I am on the brink of tears at any given point in my day.  This whole thing really sucks.  Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.  It is tough.  Plain and simple, very tough.

Sam - take 2

Here's a quick update on Samantha -- All her blood work came back looking good.  There is no sign of Celiac disease (Thank G-d!) or any kind of nutrient deficiency.  So my thought that something could be not causing her to feel well from the inside is not the case.

Her sleep started getting better, but then we just had a rough patch for a few nights, so who knows?  Maybe she is just going to be one of those horrible sleepers her whole life.  I know that Jeff and I each have had many nights where we wake-up and can't go back to sleep.  Overall, I think we are spoiled by Ian and how amazing and deep of a sleeper he is and always has been.

Now for the good stuff - we are seeing a big improvement with the Occupational Therapy.  This has proven to be the way to go.  Sam does have some sensory issues (nothing major), but her behavior is not appropriate to whatever it is ticking her off.  She blows up way too quickly and goes from 1 to 60 in a second.  The therapist, Tasha, is doing some heavy, intense exercises with her and Sam is loving it.  We continue to work with her at home and do the same type stuff - just translatable to what we have in the house.  For example, take the cushions off the couch and let her jump off into the couch cushions.  Create an obstacle course for her to run through.  Lots of jumping up and down.  Major squishing under a stack of pillows.  Creating a mountain of pillows with a blanket over it and have her climb over it. Crawl through a tunnel. Repeat, repeat, repeat.  It lets her get her excess energy out and get that sensory stimulation she craves in a good, positive way.  That way when she starts to freak out over something small (like all of a sudden her shoe or clothes she is wearing is bothering her), she no longer blows up over it and gets herself in a temper tantrum frenzy. 

The best part of this is, Sam LOVES going to her OT appointments.  For her it is like one big play session.  And, Tasha has observed (quite accurately) that Sam has this need to be in control and all her moves are extremely calculated.  So Tasha is also working on addressing this.

Looking back, I was doing the exact wrong thing.  I wanted Sam to be calm and quiet when we were in the house. I thought that if we could keep it as peaceful as possible, Sam wouldn't get all crazy.  This is the exact opposite of what we should've been doing.

Based on Tasha's recommendation, we also created a space for Sam to have down time. It's a princess tent -  a quiet place for her to go where it is calm, cozy (think pillows, blankets).  Tasha said that Sam should start to seek this place out when she feels herself getting upset. 

We are scheduled to do 6 sessions of OT.  We've had 3 already and I am already seeing some progress.

I think we are definitely moving in the right direction.

Yes, this is what I am dealing with.

The kids and I met up with some friends for a bowling playdate.  Both Ian and Sam love to bowl and it is a fun way to spend the afternoon when I get to catch up with one of my favorite mommy friends.  I knew in advance that Sam was probably not going to want to wear the bowling shoes.  I was mentally prepared for this and waited for her to request the shoes after seeing her brother and friends put theirs on.  I got Sam the correct size and put them on her feet.  Sam was in some kind of mood and nothing was making her happy.  After taking her turn bowling, she flung herself on the floor and picked-up her temper tantrum from where she left off before her turn.  She took off her bowling shoes and  as threw them, she yelled, "I can't wear these.  They are too comfortable." 

Really?  What in the world do I do with that information?  Yes, folks, this is what I am dealing with.  G-d help us all.

*************************************************************************

I picked Sam up from school one day and she was wearing different bottoms than what I dropped her off in that morning.  Sam saw me at the doorway and ran, yelling in excitement, "I pooped, Mommy!  I pooped!"  As the teacher explained, she didn't make it quite in time to the bathroom and they had to put her back-up pants on her. 

Before I could say, "Yay" to Sam for pooping, Sam burst into a hysterical cry and I picked her up to console her.  I asked her why she was crying and once she caught her breath, Sam said, "My pants don't match my shirt."

Oh my.

Sam at her worst

I really wanted to get a sitter.  I tried asking two different people if they were free for the afternoon and both said no.  So I thought, how bad could it be?  It's an open house at Ian's school, from 1:45pm to 2:45pm.  It's totally casual; once you've met the teacher and checked out the classroom, you are free to go.  Everyone brings younger siblings with them and there would be no reason that Sam couldn't hang with the big kids for at the most, an hour of her day.

To say that things didn't go as planned, is a huge understatement.  I am not sure when the nightmare started but I have a feeling that when we were standing in line waiting to pick up the school supplies we ordered through the school, I probably should've gotten a clue.  Sam had already started a combo whining/crying over needing to wash her hands from the popsicle she just ate.  It was so unlike me, but I didn't even have my supplies with me and was lacking the big thing of wet wipes I always carry.  I honestly thought for one hour we would be okay sans diaper bag.  While I was checking out every single parent in the gymnasium looking for anyone with a baby, Sam now escalated her demand for clean hands by also sitting on the floor, taking off her shoes and refusing to get up.  She was causing quite the scene, but I refused to give in and lose our place in line.  It was moving plenty fast enough and I knew in a matter of moments we would be out of there and could locate a bathroom.  Fortunately for me, Sam doesn't like being left behind and scooted her screaming 3 year old self to the front of the line as Ian and I moved up.  And, another fortunate occurrence came when a woman walked in pushing a baby in a stroller.  I knew she had to have wipes.  She didn't speak a lick of English, but her daughter translated what I needed and this made Sam a happy camper...at least temporarily.

We got our big box of school supplies and made our way to Ian's new classroom.  How exciting!  Upon entering the room, I noticed the teacher right away and figured we should meet her while there was no line and only one mom/son currently talking to her.  As we are patiently waiting for our turn, Sam decides she has had enough and kicks it in high gear letting me know she wants to get out of there PRONTO!  She starts saying she needs to go to the bathroom, she needs to go home, she is hungry, she is thirsty, she is tired, she needs a nap, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MEET IAN'S TEACHER!!!!!!   She is so revved up and in the moment of throwing the biggest meltdown ever, that Sam is now incoherent and not making much sense of anything.

I do my best to ignore her while I try to give Ian my attention who is now getting to meet the teacher - I should mention this is after a mom cut in front of me in line and another mother stood up for me when she saw the situation I had going on.  Come 'on people, work with me!!  Really, you need to cut in front of me!?!?!?

We get as far as Mrs. Shackleford asking Ian if he went there last year, to which Ian replied, "No."  I am still not sure what that was about, but I knew we needed to get out of there fast.  Sam is in full blown screaming/crying, on the ground laying there, taking off her pants.  She is out of control and won't let me hold her or pick her up.  She won't listen to anything I am saying and its best to get home asap.

I try my best to get her to calm down and decide maybe if we get to a bathroom, we will be fine.  Of course, I have no idea where the closest bathroom is and I run into my friend Kelly who helps me find one.  At that moment, the bathroom felt like it was a mile away down the hall.  I gave up looking for the women's restroom and jumped into this closet of a restroom that said "Staff Only" on the door.  Sam wanted nothing to do with being in there and ran back out into the crowded hallway.

Oh yeah, this whole time, the hallway and every classroom is FILLED with parents and kids.  Lots of fun, let me tell you. And the only way to get from point A to point B with Miss Cranky Pants is by me holding her -sometimes sideways/upside down/ or by one leg as she continues to scream at the top of her lungs and fight me with everything she's got to put her down.  Oh yeah, this is exactly how I envisioned Ian's open house going down.

I am ready to leave.  I am ready to put Sam down and run far, far away and hope that a mom who is better handling her takes her home.  I tell Ian we need to go back to his room, pick up his big box of supplies and leave.  I feel so bad for him and the crappy open house experience he had because of his sister.

When we get back to the classroom, I put Sam down and turn to talk to the teacher (interrupting who she is currently speaking with) and ask her one quick question so that we can get out of there once for and all.  Sam is STILL SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS and has now taken her pull-up off.  She is nudie kazudie from the waist down - no pull-up, no pants, no shoes.  Yeah, we look like we raise her in a trailer park and I am ready for the worst mother award of the year to be handed to me on the spot.  While trying to hear the teacher (who sounds like she is talking in slow motion...hello!?!?  I need to get out of here NOW, can't you talk any faster!?!?), Sam is running back and forth in the room, out in the hallway, all over the place like a deranged, psycho nut.  She is completely incoherent and everyone in the room and out in the hallway has taken to stop and stare at this freak show we have going on.  One guy looked at me and said, "Two years old, huh?"   No, buddy, she is 3.  And may I suggest you don't get in her way.

Finally, poor Ian who hasn't had any chance to walk around his new room, correct the teacher who thinks he never went there last year and is now being asked to juggle the big box of school supplies tags along behind me as I do my best to hold Sam, her clothing, her shoes and make our way through the crowds to get to the car as fast as possible.  Again, Kelly came to my rescue, took the box from Ian and helped escort us to the car. 

Once I threw Sam in the car, I closed the door and stood outside the car literally shaking, with tears in my eyes over having lived through that last 20 minutes.  A few moms who know me from Ian being in their kids' kindergarten class last year tried to sympathetically say, "we've been there too before" as we whizzed by them making our way to the car. 

My heart brakes for Ian and how what should have been a fun, exciting moment in his life became a memory of  his sister causing a ridiculous scene.  A meltdown so big and momentous that I believe it could be aptly included in the Guinness Book of World Records for its intensity, loudness, humiliation/embarrassment factor, and of course, complete and utter nonsense.

Next year I will work harder on getting a sitter. 

The State of Samantha

Many people keep asking me about Sam and all those hot topics we are dealing with.  Here is an update on The State of Samantha.


Oh, those sleepless nights!
I am going to take a big risk, tempt fate and say this out loud.....for several weeks now, Sam has consistently been getting 11 hours of sleep and making it through the night without too much turmoil.  If she gets through the day without a nap, Sam will go to bed easily at 7:00pm.  However, if Sam falls asleep at any point during the day, she won't fall asleep at night until 9:30pmish.  Its nights like these that you can bet she'll wake up earlier than the roosters and greet the day grumpily at 5:00amish.  It makes for a long, long day and you only hope she won't fall asleep again before bed time and can get back on schedule.  We are all happier that Sam's sleep issues have seemed to work themselves out.


Here a temper tantrum, there a temper tantrum, everywhere a temper tantrum!
Now that Sam is getting sleep, her temper tantrums have been taken down a notch.  I'm not saying we are out of the words completely, but we can reason with her more and for the most part, Sam listens to what we are saying and is satisfied with the answer.  If Sam is tired in the least bit (which is likely the case starting early afternoon), then she is whiny, cranky and downright miserable.  In other words, very hard to be around.  I have noticed some change for the better in her temperament.  Either that, or I've become more tolerant.



Potty Training - Day 23
I made it 23 days in this crazy potty training saga before I couldn't take it anymore. 

Here's what finally made me snap and jump overboard the potty training ship (so to speak):  We went to the movies on Saturday (Day 21).  Sam had a spectacular day and I was very impressed with her ability to tell us she had to go, hold it until we made it to the bathroom and keep her underwear dry.  The whole day she was a rockstar.  The very next day, on Sunday (Day 22), she had absolutely no success and we went through 30 pairs of underwear in less than 1/2 a day.  It was the craziest thing!  We did nothing different than the day before.  She never made it in time to the bathroom, and some of the time didn't even tell us she was peeing.  It was a nightmare!  On Monday morning (Day 23), when we had 5 accidents within an hour, I was beyond frustrated and couldn't go on like we had been.  I told her we were doing pull-ups from here on out.  When she can show me she can keep the pull-up dry for hours on end, then I will reconsider putting her back in big girl underwear. 

She obviously can do it and has proven to us that she is capable.  So now we will wait it out and use the pull-ups in the meantime.


Need ear plugs STAT!
Sam whines so much I want to offer her some cheese to go along with it.  OMG!  It's grating on the ears and makes me sometimes wish I was deaf.  I've tried every tactic in combatting it and now resort to telling her I can't hear her in that voice and do my best to ignore it until she changes her ways.  The other day I found myself yelling at Sam for such a long time, that I am sure Joan Crawford ("Mommie Dearest" reference) from her grave was taking lessons.  It was really bad.   Ian said he was feeling a little left out and I asked him if he wanted me to yell at him too. 

Now that I've come to terms with the potty training not working out, the whining is the one thing that needs major work. 


Let's wrap this up!
Sam is amazing.  She can be playful, funny, sweet and cuddly a good portion of the day and then something will her set her off and it's all downhill.  I'd like to think I am doing a better job of anticipating her moods and trying to side-step some of the major explosions that can occur.   Every day brings a fresh new start....that is until I get back from the gym at 7:00am and see what kind of mood she is in.

The PLAN!

After much consideration, I decided changes needed to be made.  Waiting for Samantha to stop throwing temper tantrums and meltdowns at the drop of a hat was going to take an indefinite amount of time, waiting for her to outgrow this behavior.  Time is something I don't have on my side, as my patience wears thinner each day.

In an effort to keep us all getting along, I am going to implement the following:

Starting Wednesday, March 16th - Sam will attend preschool an additional day each week.  Her schedule will be Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays from 9:30am to 1:30pm.

One afternoon a week, I am going to have a high school student come babysit and work with Sam.   This will be for just a couple of hours, but will give me a break and give Sam someone new to be around.  She behaves amazingly well around everyone but me (and sometimes Jeff). 

Jeff and I are going to take the parenting class:  "Managing Tantrums and Whining" by Dr. Renee Hackney.  It is a 2 hour session on April 14th.  I think getting a new perspective will do a world of good.

I am hopeful that little by little, Sam changes her ways and I do too.  Somewhere we can meet in the middle and start having fun again.

How do you solve a problem like Maria (insert the name: Samantha)?



Many comparisons can be made



The Song: "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"; From the movie, "The Sound of Music":

Many a thing you know you'd like tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

But how do you make her stay?

And listen to all you say

how do you keep a wave upon the sand?

Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria (Samantha)?

How do you hold a moon beam in your hand?

When I'm with her

I'm confused

 Out of focus

And bemused

And I never know exactly where I am

Unpredictable as weather

She's as flighty as a feather

She's a darling

She's a demon

She's a lamb

She'd out pester any pest

Drive a hornet from its nest

She can throw a twirling dervish out of whirl

She is gentle

She is wild

She's a riddle

She's a child

She's a headache

She's an angel

She's a girl!!

How do you solve a problem like Maria (Samantha)?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Maria (Samantha)?

*************************************************************

I think this sums up perfectly how I feel.  I have a problem.  I need to solve it.  She drives me crazy and makes me love her so incredibly much, all in the same instant.  She gets me dizzy to the point that I don't know if I am coming or going.

It's not fair to Samantha.  I yell at her way too much.  She doesn't deserve it.  I don't have any patience left when dealing with her and am quick to lose my temper.  This just isn't me or my parenting style and I don't want it to become the norm. 

I think some kind of action is needed.  I am working on a plan.  I don't want to feel like pulling my hair out at the end of the day or counting down the minutes until Jeff comes home and rescues me.  Not to mention that I've identified a huge reason I am fat and not losing weight any time fast -- every time Sam acts up, I make a beeline to the closest comfort food I can find and stuff my face until I am feeling numb from a food coma.  And you know what, it helps me momentarily feel better, but Sam is still out of control and we still need to deal with each other.

Stay tuned.....I've got some plans in the works and will share with you in my next blog.

Even SUPER Mom-Mom has her limits

My mom is the of the best moms in the entire world.  You would do very well to be raised by her.  She is caring, loving, fun, and always has an ear available to listen.  She also has tons of advice.  TONS!  My mom is never without a few words of wisdom on what you should do differently or how to live a better life.  And this advice extends to child-rearing.  I've lost count on the endless amount of things I've been told I could be doing to have a better behaved little girl.  She refuses to take "Mom, she's being 2.  This is how a 2 year old acts" as an excuse.   According to my mom, my sister and I NEVER acted like this. And therefore, Sam shouldn't either.  My mom thinks if it doesn't get nipped in the bud now, then she will become even more difficult and challenging to be around at age 3, 4 and so on. 

According to SUPER Mom-Mom, all you have to do is talk to Sam in a reasonable, calm manner and explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable and how she should change her ways.  Her big thing is "get down at her level".   My mom has met her match!

Every time my mom gave me advice leading up to her visit this past week, I replied with "good luck with that.  I hope it works out for you."  I eagerly awaited my mom to arrive, put me in my place and reform Sam to become the sweet, mild-mannered toddler I know she has in her. 

I guess Sam never got the memo that this was when she was supposed to comply and be good.  And somewhere along the way, my mom totally gave up and threw in the towel.  At one point, my mom focused her efforts back on me and insisted I take parenting classes.  She even upped the ante and said she would pay for the class and swing for the babysitter so that Jeff & I could both attend.  My mom had a field day looking at all the classes Dr. Renee Hackney offers and settled on "Managing Tantrums and Whining", with the offer that we could also do "Calm Parenting:  Ways to Manage our Frustration, Anger and Upset" if we wanted.

I think my favorite quote from my mom all week was:  "She is as bad as she is cute."  And, at one point, Sam was in the middle of a fit over something or other and my mom exasperated said, "You're just being MEAN!" 

When I saw how events were unfolding, I started getting concerned, very concerned that my mom was going to take back her offer of having the kids for 2 weeks at the end of June.  Fortunately my mom can not be scared off that easily and is still planning to come back to get them.  Let's hope by then, Sam gets the memo on how she needs to behave.

I do it myself!

Let me introduce you to my incredibly head-strong, fire cracker of a daughter, Samantha.

Most days she goes to school wearing her pajamas.  We've had mornings where I've taken them off her 3 times within 40 minutes, and only to turn around 5 minutes later to see that she has fished out last night's pajamas from the hamper and put them back on.

When driving in the car, she feels the car seat rules do not apply to her and therefore the arm straps just aren't needed.  Despite me pulling over several times to get her arms back in the straps and tighten them extra tight, she manages to get her arms back out before I can even get back in the driver's seat.

Several times taking Ian to school, which is just 1/2 mile away, Sam will not only take her arms out of the car seat straps, but also take her shirt completely off. Forget getting her to put on a coat and socks/shoes in 30 degree weather, I feel lucky if she is still dressed by the time we drop Ian off.

Sam's favorite hairstyle these days is the "white trash look".  Who can catch her and get a brush or barrettes through her hair?  The non-kept look goes great when sporting pajamas.

Her teeth are clean though!  Sam loves to brush her teeth, to the tune of 3 or 4 times a morning.  Sometimes you can even find her brushing her teeth at 3:00am.

Sam is very adept at putting her clothes on, not only with 100% accuracy (everything facing the right way) but in complete darkness too.  We usually find her the next morning wearing yesterday's clothing over her pajamas.

Sam insists on doing the dishes each night after dinner.  She brings her step stool over to the sink and then looks at either me or Jeff and tells us there is room to join her.  And, she has first crack at unloading the dishwasher too.  Her favorite thing is to put the silverware away, personally hand me the knives, and stack all like items on the counter (the bowls, plates, tupperware). 

At 2 years of age, Sam is definitely giving us a run for our money.  I haven't even touched on her sleep deprivation issues (lack of nap, waking up in the middle of the night) and the effect that has on her temperament.  She is a force to be reckon with.  It is a good thing she is so darn cute and that love is unconditional, because right about now, it is kicking in high gear to get us through each day.

A Winter break survival guide on going crazy

We are in the midst of Winter break for the kids. 4 weekdays down, 7 more weekdays to go.  I've been keeping count based on Sam's schedule.  Ian for the most part is wonderful to be around.  However, don't get me wrong, Ian can still be incredibly volatile from time to time and it is not pretty when the nastiness rears its ugly head.

I realize that during a good week, I only have Sam in preschool 2 days a week.  Most weeks it seems like Sam only has school one day a week, due to the endless Jewish holidays and other schedules the preschool follows.  Just before Winter break, Sam gave up her nap and that was my cue I could leave her at the school one additional hour for lunch bunch. So technically, in the best of situations, Sam and I have a break from each other for 4 hours, 2 times a week.  You would think with so little time apart from each other normally, her having a Winter break 11 weekdays long wouldn't be so bad. Oh, to be so wrong.

I absolutely love my daughter and wouldn't trade her in for anything, but if they had a boarding school option for 2 year olds, I think I'd have to consider it as an option.   Sam is incredibly headstrong and needs everything to be done her way.  And if things aren't going her way, the whining kicks in full force.  It's this combo that is doing me in.  At one point on Friday I hit my breaking point and decided that when school was back in session, Sam was getting signed up for all 4 days they offered her age group.  Sam's teachers absolutely love her and can not grasp any of this when I ask them who wants to take her home with them that day.  :)

Throw in the fact that Sam has decided she doesn't need to nap anymore.  Believe me, she still does! It wouldn't be so bad if she made up for the lack of nap by sleeping longer at night, but no. Sam is living la vida loca and starts the day out cranky and just gets crankier as the hours wear on.  The other day she woke up at 4:20am and stayed awake the whole day.  We were able to put her down for the night at 6:30pm, however, after 3 hours, she was back up and ready to party until 1:00am.  Sam has been regularly waking-up well before 6:00am each day and the madness begins all over again.  Wash, rinse, repeat, it is a vicious cycle and a pattern we can't seem to break.

Sam's new thing is to do a multi-tasking combo of scream/throw something when she is making her point.  "NO, I DON'T WANT MILK IN AN ORANGE CUP EITHER" while throwing a full (heavy) cup of milk at the floor.  Or, "I WANT APPLE JACKS IN THE PINK BOWL EITHER" while throwing a bowl full of cereal at the floor.  Of course, the lesson has been learned from well before this, and both items make very little mess.  The cup of milk is in a closed container (straw cup) and the cereal is dry with no milk.  Yesterday we were at the bowling alley for lunch and to play a few games.  I asked Sam, "would you like chicken tenders or a hot dog?"  She picked a hot dog.  The hot dog came and she refused to eat it.  The hot dog (in full) got thrown on the floor.  "NO, I DON'T WANT A HOT DOG EITHER." The 5 second rule doesn't apply to bowling alleys.  Eww!  Sam's lunch consisted of french fries and popcorn.  Lovely.  This goes on all day long.

I'm not really going to increase Sam's preschool frequency.  I feel like that would be quitting and I don't quit. It's much more fun to dream about the possibility of it.  I  know that eventually Sam will outgrow this stage.  Heck, I may become a stronger person for having survived.  You know the saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes your stronger."

Plus, when Sam is in a good mood and happy, she is the sweetest, most caring, and loving little girl to be around.  Dealing with the typical two year old attitude is bearable for the few times I get to see her other side.

And so the countdown continues, just 7 more weekdays and life can resume back to normal.  Until then, it's best to stay out of our way.  Because if Sam is not a happy camper, then I am not either.

Her fiestiness knows no bounds!

My parenting strategy lately for dealing with Sam is "don't piss her off". Let her have whatever she wants, let her think every idea she has is a good one, and give her the space and freedom she needs to try it all on her own first. Sam makes Ian look like he was easy at this age.

A few examples of the almost 3 foot creature I am dealing with --

Ian never even asked or attempted to want to buckle his own car seat until he was close to turning 5. Meanwhile, Sam is constantly saying "try...try....try...try...try" to buckling it on her own each and EVERY TIME we get in the car. Have you seen car seat buckles? They are not easy for a reason! It wasn't meant for a 2 year old to do. Now I add in 10 extra minutes before going anywhere so that Sam can "try....try....try...try...and try some more" to buckle her own car seat. A few times she has actually gotten the chest strap on her own. This gets an instant round of applause from her, a big smile on her face and the words "good girl" coming out of her mouth giving herself praise.

We can't pass a bathroom in our house without her saying "peepee...potty...peepee...potty...". Then she proceeds to take off her clothing and diaper and get herself to the closest bathroom. She will arrange the potty seat on her own and attempt to climb up on top of the toilet. At which point, she will start taking all the toilet paper off the roll and use it to put in the toilet. She is not sure what to do with it, she just knows it needs to go in the toilet. Once the roll is depleted, she will yell "helpppppppppppppp" until you come get her down. Then she stands near the toilet and says "try....flush.....try....flush....try....". Oh, what fun!

When it is time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, Sam runs to the table to take Ian's seat. Ian has had the same seat since he was 1 years old. Now that Sam is aware of our places at the table, she likes to start trouble and take his seat before he can get to it. When she thinks no one is looking, she will switch plates and cups with hers and take his.

In the morning, when I go to pick out Sam's clothing, she will follow me and say "no match" at whatever I am picking out. She will then stand there and point to what she wants to wear. Most likely it is a pair of pajamas or winter dress, or tights over her shorts. Yesterday, Sam went out wearing her shorts and monkey rain boats that come up to her knees. By the way, it was almost 100 degrees and sunny outside.

If her face is dirty and I go to wipe it, I get told "no clean....no clean....NO CLEAN!!!!" until I stop.

Most of the time when we look at her, she will give a very loud scream in return -- for no reason at all.

I am not able to wash the dishes or load/unload the dishwasher without Sam constantly being right under foot to help. She quickly runs for her step stool and before I can even turn on the water, she is in place to do it herself.

When I am in the kitchen and preparing a meal, she pops up next to me, will get a knife out of the drawer and start trying to cut something in half. It doesn't matter what it is, but if am cutting something, then she needs to be too.

This past week we had 3 really bad nights of her sleeping, or should I say, not sleeping?:

Night 1: Woke-up at 4:40am - up for the day, bright-eyed and ready to party!

Night 2: Woke-up at 12:20am - We went back in her room about 10 times telling her to lay down and go back to sleep. The minute we left the room, she would pop back up and continue screaming. At 1:00am, we decided to let her cry/scream it out until she exhausted herself and went back to sleep. She never did! Sam stayed awake the whole entire time, standing too and screaming non-stop.

Night 3: Woke-up at 3:40am. This time we got her out of her crib instantly and put her in bed with us. She laid there kicking me in the back until 5:00am and then finally fell asleep until 8:00am.

I keep telling myself every day (sometimes every hour) that is all just a stage. I know she will grow out of it and there will be something else waiting for me to deal with. I have started implementing time-outs. I think she understands what I am doing, because she will put her head down and not look at me when I am talking to her about what she did wrong.

I feel bad for Ian. He is so patient when it comes to her. Even when he is trying to eat his breakfast and Sam runs over and starts pushing him out of his chair. He will ignore her and attempt to continue eating. Or, Sam will pull whatever food he is holding in his hand and quickly shove it in her mouth. Poor kid. He deserves better than that. That is an instant time-out! At least it gives Ian a few minutes of peace to finish eating while Sam is serving her time.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is a good thing she is cute!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Part 2

So I was in the midst of wrangling Sam one morning, trying to get her pajamas off and change her diaper, when Jeff popped his head in through the door and asked if he could try. "Oh yeah! Be my guest" without hesitation the words flew out of my mouth. Jeff went over to the crib, picked Sam up and put her on the changing table without one bit of argument from Sam. He easily finished taking off her pajamas. Sam then laid back and put her legs in the air for a new diaper. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was no longer able to put her diaper on her laying down and here she was putting her legs up in the air to help out! I was getting quite good at it doing it with her standing up or completely backwards when she refuses to be still for me laying on her back.

For the record let me say, I had given up getting her out of the crib to get her pajamas and diaper off. It was easier to keep her contained. Plus, once she was naked, I would give her the clothes for the day and let her attempt to put them on herself. Once she did the best she could (and, she would get pretty far in the process), then and only then, she would let me help.

Jeff was able to dress her and do her hair. All the while, Sam was perfectly content and even happy.

This was unbelievable!!! I was in awe. I'm happy that Jeff didn't have to go through what I normally do most days, but still a little part of me was wondering what I am doing wrong.

Does Jeff have the magic touch? Is Sam just sick of me? Or, could Sam be daddy's girl? My money is on the latter.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Everyone says it is because she is a girl and this is what having a girl is like. Jeff says that we went through this same exact stage with Ian. Clearly I don't remember it and must've blocked it out of my mind.

Samantha, for lack of kinder words, is a handful. She is head-strong, stubborn, and extremely spirited. From the moment she wakes-up until the time she goes to bed, she gives me a run for my money. One moment she can be perfectly sweet and lovable and then, with the flip of a switch, she turns into this 2 1/2 foot monster you wouldn't recognize.

The tone for how the day will go is set when she wakes-up. She is not happy getting dressed. She doesn't want her pajamas off and she doesn't want a diaper change - no matter how wet or full her diaper is. It is a battle and I feel like I am wrestling a gator getting her clothes on. I tried something different the other day and decided when picking out her outfit to get her input. Maybe she wanted to have a say in what she was going to wear? So, I held up each top and bottom for her approval. Each one was a resounding "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". I went through at least 20 different outfits and wondered if maybe this was the equivalent of 'I have a whole closet full of clothes and nothing to wear' most women experience at one time or another. But she isn't even 2 yet!! Does she feel the need for a wardrobe refresh already?!?!?!?

Once I manage to get her dressed, we go downstairs and the battle continues eating breakfast. She used to be an amazing eater and would devour cereal, oatmeal, bananas, milk, basically whatever you put in front of her. Now if she doesn't like what you've given her, it promptly gets thrown on the floor or in Bailey's direction. What a mess!! And, she still hasn't eaten, so you feel compelled to keep trying. Not fun at all. Sometimes she'll completely reject her bowl of oatmeal, but finish Ian's after he has had his fill.

After about 10 minutes of the breakfast disaster, we move on to her moping around the house like someone let the air out of her balloon. She keeps her head pointed low and shuffles from room to room to see what she can get into. Once she finds something that catches her eye, she goes to get the step stool out of the kitchen and creates whatever height is necessary to reach what she needs. Usually she puts the step stool in front of our pantry and examines package and after package of each item. Sometimes she'll decide on a box of cereal and eat it straight from the box. Hello?!?! This may have been the exact cereal I was offering 10 minutes earlier. Oy!

The rest of the day becomes a blur. We fight over EVERYTHING! It has to be her idea in order for it to occur smoothly. Nothing seems to make her happy. Sometimes she'll just stand in front of the tv and scream "ELMOOOOOO" until I put on Sesame Street. At least that is educational, right?

This behavior can't be because she is tired. She goes down easy for naps and at bed at night. She is getting enough sleep - 1.5 to 2 hours in the afternoon and easily 12 hours overnight. There is never a battle putting her down.

She is angry more than she is happy. She is quick to scream more than she is to laugh. Most of the day I feel like I am doing damage control. I feel like at the end of the day I have failed her.

Is it because she is a girl? Is it genetic and Ian was like this too (only I don't remember)? Is she hitting the TERRIBLE TWOs early? Who knows. I just hope like everything else, it is just a stage and my always-sweet-little girl comes back to me. Once the word gets out on how she is, no one is going to want to watch her and I need a break!!!

I am mommy, hear me ROAR!

After my latest battle with Ian acting out and refusing to cooperate, I decided to step up my game and get strict, very strict. I am not a yeller and feel there are more effective ways to get my point across. I always threaten to take away tv watching privileges and put Ian in 'time-out'. Admittedly, my bark was worse than my bite. Until now.

I told Ian in the morning, when there was not a situation occurring, and he was more apt to listen that I was not going to take the attitude, the yelling, the defiance. The consequences would be any of the following (sometimes all of it!): no tv for the rest of the day; immediate confinement to his room for him to cool off; no further playdates/activities for the rest of the day.

Jeff and I have been trying very hard to get Ian to practice his writing skills. All we ask is that for 15 minutes a day he takes one letter of the alphabet and write it over and over again. Even if we got 10 good minutes we'd be overjoyed with that. However, Ian is still showing no interest in practicing; no matter how fun we try to make the activity or help guide his hand through each letter.

The other day I gave Ian the one show warning and said when his show was over we were going to take advantage of Samantha sleeping and practice writing. He said ok. Then the show was over and he asked very nicely if he could watch one more and then write letters. I was okay with this and felt if he thought he was getting a compromise, he'd be more eager to partake after this next show. Boy, was I wrong!

Sam woke up during the last 10 minutes of the show and fortunately gave me the ability to get as loud as we needed to without worrying about waking her up. Ian flat-out refused to do letters, so I said, "Fine, no tv and turned it off." Ian started yelling very loudly. Having told him my "no yelling, no attitude" threshold earlier in the day, I said it was now time for him to go to his room until he calms down. Again, Ian refused and continued yelling. I picked him up (kicking and screaming mind you) and carried him to his room. I was able to clear his doorway and close the door. Sam is doing her best to keep up and fortunately I got the door closed before she made it in his room. I had to hold the door closed for a good few minutes before Ian stopped trying to escape. It wasn't a pretty scene and I am sure the neighbors could hear all hell breaking loose, but at least he was in his room and staying there. I told him when he was ready to come out, please let me know.

After about 10 minutes of some major yelling, Ian opened the door and said he needed a drink. I got him his drink, closed the door and he continued yelling. Then about 10 minutes past that, Ian said he needed a hug. I went upstairs gave him his hug and asked if he was ready to talk. He said yes. I got down to his level and asked him why he was told to go to his room. He said he didn't know. I calmly explained that he refused to do something we both agreed to doing, he started yelling and threw a temper tantrum. I reminded him that I would not tolerate the yelling or attitude anymore. I left him in his room and told him to let me know when he was ready to talk again.

After another 10 minutes, he said he was ready. The same exact conversation happened and Ian was still sanctioned to his room. This went on for close to an hour before he was able to answer my question - "Why were you told to go to your room?" He finally was able to answer the question. Yay!

I did stay true to my word and Ian was not allowed to watch any tv for the remainder of the day. Plus, in the height of his screaming the phone rang and it was Stefanie asking us to join her and the kids at Burke Lake Park. I was able to use her call and make my point that "no, we can't join you this afternoon. Ian is not behaving and therefore not allowed to go do anything fun." It was perfect timing to show Ian just how serious I was being about my new, strict form of parenting.

The funniest part in all this was when Jeff got home and Ian ran to meet him at the door and said, "What if mommy doesn't ever let me watch TV again?" Boy, I guess I scared him good!

I am not sure just how much impact my discipline method had, but the very next day I told Ian we were going to Bed, Bath and Beyond and Wegman's in the morning. He was eager to get in the car and even inquired what we needed at each of the stops. When we got back home, he came up with the following plan; "How about I watch a Fireman Sam and Calliou and then practice letters?" And when it was time to sit down at the table, I not only got the letter 'A' out of him, but also the letter 'I'.

Score one for mommy!

Ian the Terrible

My mom is convinced we (Jeff & I) need parenting discipline classes. We, as adults, should be in charge at all times and not be manipulated by the temper tantrums thrown by a four year old. For the past couple of years now my mom has offered to pay for these parenting classes. Each time Ian throws one of his world-class fits in her presence, my mom is reaching in her purse for her checkbook. I keep saying, he is 4 and this is how a four year old acts. My mom replies with, in a few months you'll be saying he is 5 and then he is 6 and the excuses will never end.

I've gotten amazingly good at ignoring Ian when he starts yelling and stomping his feet. The other day I wanted to run a few errands and Ian wanted nothing to do with it. His fit started way before I even got him to get his shoes on when trying to leave the house. He yells at the top of his lungs that he is not leaving and will not go anywhere with me. I tell him goodbye and carry Sam to the car. I know that I can call his bluff and he doesn't want to be left behind. And, once in the car, he will do his best to negotiate how many stops we are going to make. Ian is still yelling the whole time. When we get to our destination he'll then refuse to get out of the car. Again, I call his bluff and begin walking away from the car. Soon he is yelling at me to wait so he can catch up.

And, in each store or place we go, Ian will not even take a breath to slow down the yelling and screaming. I am sure people are looking at us but I don't care. I have things that need to get done and if this helps us check out sooner, then so be it. If the people bothered by this display wanted peace and quiet they should've stayed at home.

I feel like I do so much for Ian for him to enjoy each day. I arrange playdates, take him to the park, playground, pool and many other activities; so when I want to go do something I want to do, I feel like he should comply. I simply refuse to give into his attitude and give him his way. I think I'll be able to keep this up a little while longer. At least until Ian realizes I won't actually leave him behind in house, in the car, in the parking lot, in the store.

If you don't tell him, I won't either.