Disgusted.

I don't think a little pill is going to be invented in time.  You know the one that lets you eat whatever you want, and you still lose weight.  And I have completely given up on having a thyroid problem; despite telling EVERY doctor I see that it is a well-hidden thyroid issue and not easily detected with a blood test.   Even my friend Heather will send my articles from time to time about how thyroid issues can be related to Celiac and/or not easy to diagnose.  You got to love a best friend who does what she can to support you.  :)

I've given up hope and hit rock bottom.  I have become so disgusted with myself that I am ready to take some serious steps to change this body.  I am so tired of clothes not fitting like they used to and having to buy bigger sizes every time a new season comes.  I am so tired of not having endless amounts of energy like I used to.  

Obviously, the weight loss hypnosis is not cutting it.  I am tired of having success with Weight Watchers and then falling off the wagon and going back to the same old ways.  As my therapist says, I can’t go back to what I had been doing and I need to figure out what is holding me back.  There has got to be something. 

Meanwhile, I am challenging myself with something new.  I am working with a personal trainer.  For at least the next 3 weeks, I’ll meet with this guy named “Bailey” and see if I am able to get my mojo back in going to the gym.  A great workout, first thing in the morning (5:00am, baby!) always puts a little bounce in my step for the rest of the day.  It has an added bonus of making me very conscious of what I am eating that day.  I’d hate to mess up the hard work done that morning with poor food choices.

During my first workout with Bailey (do I tell him I used to have a dog named Bailey?!?!?), after the first 10 minutes, I felt like I was going to throw-up or pass out and needed a 10 minute breather.  Feeling nausea and looking for the closest place I could run to and puke was not a great way to start off our relationship.  Fortunately, the color returned in my face and I could stand again without feeling like I was going to fall over.  So not fun.  Bailey took it a little easier on me after that for the rest of the hour.  Gee, I wonder why?!??!

I will explore this path and see where it goes. I hate this struggle with my weight I’ve had my whole life. I don’t want to be super skinny, just healthy and to feel good about myself. I feel like everything else is finally clicking – Samantha pooping and peeing now like a normal person, working my part-time jobs and bringing in a little bit of money, getting to do the trips to FL with the kids, etc. So, why, oh why can’t this click? WHY can’t I get my act together and lose weight and keep it off?